May I have your attention members of LA Fitness. My name is Darrell Cross and I am here to help you.
You may have seen me around the gym curling 125 lb free weights, talking to staff, or spotting someone in a tank top maxing on bench press. I work out six to eight hours, spread across three different LA Fitness locations, everyday but Sundays. Even our lord God took a day to rest.
I have seen some of you here on the regular. What up, Chris? The rest of you come and go depending on how many carbs you ate this week or the intensity of the fear that you won’t be able to attract a long term mate with your body the way it currently looks.
Those of you that are committed to your fitness goals I have already worked with on diet, a supplement regimen, and your lifting form. We have also discussed my divorce in great detail.
The rest of you need to listen because I have 20 years of unsolicited coaching experience that will change your life.
None of you know how to do squats. You are all curving your back and not going low enough. The same is true with dead lifts. If you aren’t doing those two things wrong you aren’t doing them at all. I’m not sure which is worse.
Right now I’m passing out a sheet that I want you to fill out and return to me by Friday. You need to provide for me your caloric intake for the week. What are you eating? Are you getting enough protein, too much fat, not enough vegetables? What vitamins are you taking? What about protein powder? Have you heard of anti-oxidants? Let’s talk about all of this while you are doing planks.
I know you are asking yourself, “Does Darrell work here?” No, I do not work here in an official capacity. I’m kind of like a mentor to the personal trainers, however. Also I’ve been asked to teach some classes but I don’t have time. I’ve got too many informal clients at the moment.
Okay that is all —you may return to working out. My cell number and contact information are on the sheet I handed out if you need to contact me. FYI my number will be changing on Wednesday because my ex has been harassing me for child support and I’m tired of dodging her calls.
One last thing, dude in the yellow shirt over at the free weights, I’ll be over in just a second to support your elbows and tell you to breath. Let’s do this!
Will Meinen | The Tattler
Washington, D.C. – The Tattler uncovered another stunning development in the Rand Paul plagiarism scandal. According to the Kentucky Senator’s 10-year-old son, Paul has a history of plagiarizing bed time stories.
“I can’t remember a time when he didn’t claim to be making up a bed time story while clearly using details from fairy tales or popular, young adult fiction,” said the disgusted fourth grader. “For an entire year he told me the developments of a whimsical boy wizard with remarkable talents. I saw ‘Harry Potter Philosopher’s Stone’ on his nightstand! Who does he think he’s fooling?”
Senator Paul was reached by email for comment.
“I am stunned,” wrote the Senator. “Look, when I’m performing a bed time story I am speaking extemporaneously. It’s off the cuff, and usually I’m tired and have important work that needs my attention. So maybe the ‘Old Lady in the Shoe’ or ‘Tales of King Arthur’ were paraphrased. Apparently I’m going to have to provide footnotes for my bed time stories now. Let me tell you something, if dueling was legal in Kentucky I would challenge my son. I would shoot that boy down.”
Paul’s son was not threatened by the Senator’s comments.
“I have been playing first-player shooter games since I was out of diapers,” said the boy. “I will shoot my own father through the heart before he can raise his gun. Bring it on you narrative hack.”
The young boy puts down his iPhone 5c on his night stand, picks up Orson Scott Card’s “Ender’s Game” and smiles.
Will Meinen | The Tattler
Chicago, IL — Amber Ross, a single 37-year-old woman living in Bucktown, watched fifteen minutes of American soldiers reuniting with their family and dogs at work on Monday. Amber’s boss walked into her office as tears were welling up at the sight of a Marine surprising his 8-year-old daughter at school. The University of Chicago Human Resource manager recovered quickly and closed the browser window as an Army Ranger wrestled with a yellow lab in a Lowe’s parking lot.
“As a human resource manager I’m especially sensitive to the improper use of company resources,” admitted Ross, “but lately I have felt like a shell of a woman. Nothing moves me. Not ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ not my nieces birthday party. I’m afraid that I’m dead inside, like a polished, red apple that is rotten at its core.”
Ms. Ross recently ended a 14-month relationship with an IT specialist but appeared relatively unfazed by the loss.
“She was totally fine,” said a close friend. “I mean, she was bummed out for a few days but at brunch that weekend she didn’t even need to talk about it. Instead she tried to show me a video on her phone of a solider surprising his wife at work. Does she want to date a military man? I don’t get it.”
Ross’s obsession with the returning soldier video has predictably extended to her social media accounts. Twitter followers have been bombarded with youtube links accompanied by #somoving and #lookatthedogstail and #whereismysolider.
“It’s a harmless prompt to manipulate my emotions,” said Ross. “I haven’t been in love in 10 years; I’m bored and unaffected by romantic movies and torch songs. This works for me. Now check out this video of a Navy sailor pulling into port as his wife and children in waiting cry and wave enthusiastically.”