OMAHA, NE — Charles Peterson effectively alienated the entire quality assurance department at Union Pacific this past week by self-identifying as a Microsoft Excel wizard.
“It’s total bullshit,” said Dave Ryan to his co-worker while eating lunch at Block 16. “Charles just started using formulas! Are you kidding? I’ve been using formulas in excel practically my whole life!”
“It’s not right,” agreed Barb Carnel. “Calling yourself something doesn’t make you that thing. I could call myself a race car driver but that doesn’t make my commute home the Indy 500.”
“Exactly,” Ryan continued. “If Charles is an Excel whiz than I’m the fucking Gandalf of Java. Which of course I’m not because I just started playing around with it.”
“The man is delusional.”
“Also, it’s super disrespectful to people who are Excel wizards. He gets to pretend to play that part, but Lisa H. can’t bail out of work early when finance complains of issues with their macros. Goddamn this is a good chicken philly.”
Mr. Ryan and Ms. Carnel returned to the office sated from eating and venting. Their rage towards Mr. Peterson was re-ignited, however, after receiving an email informing them of a non-optional Excel training to be taught by Mr. Peterson on June 26th entitled, “Intro to Excel Studies: One Man’s Struggle and Triumph.”
LINCOLN, NE — Yesterday evening at 10:45 pm Lieutenant Governor of Nebraska, Mikey Foley, conducted a clandestine drug deal in a SONIC restaurant parking lot in the capital city of Lincoln, NE.
Lt. Governor Foley parked his 2013 Ford Focus next to an early 2000’s Dodge Caravan with tinted windows. The two men rolled down the windows one would roll down to have a conversation, although witnesses say that it would have made more sense for Foley to have parked in such a way that he could have rolled down his driver’s side window.
“I mean, clearly he’s never bought drugs from someone in a public location. He had to yell across the car to talk to the Indian guy,” said a male eye witness who was jammin’ on a java chiller french vanilla shake available this summer only from SONIC.
Foley was directed to move to the passenger seat of the drug dealer’s vehicle where the two exchanged money for 1,000 viles of sodium thiopental. Roller blade waitress, Kelly Gibson, approached the car at 10:55 to deliver food to the Indian, drug dealing driver.
“The gentleman in the Caravan ordered a slammin’ bacon cheeseburger toaster, medium tots and a Powerade mountain berry blast slush – a limited time partnership between Powerade and SONIC. The uptight guy in khakis and a Husker hat pulled low over his eyes said he didn’t need anything. They were very obviously in the middle of a drug deal,” said Gibson.
As Gibson handed food through the window she overheard the driver ask Foley if he wanted to take a hit of the sodium thiopental. According to Gibson, Foley declined saying it was really late so he’d better get back home to his wife and kids and also he didn’t want to die. The driver shrugged his shoulders and offered Foley a tot which he graciously accepted.
Foley left the parking lot at 11:05, twenty minutes after arriving, with a gym bag containing $54,000 in killer Mumbai shit. The Indian driver finished his rockin’ meal, exited his vehicle to throw the remnants in the trash, and waved nonchalantly at Kelly who has practicing her backwards skating while drinking a chillin’ blackberry & pineapple SONIC splash.
Asked if drug deals were common in the Sonic parking lot Gibson replied, “Oh yeah. I’d say it’s 60% of our business. You want some onion rings? We have a bunch we just pulled out of the fryer.”
I said, “Yes, that would be kickin’, ” and took a large order of SONIC onion rings to go.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE GOVERNOR’S MANSION!
Governor Ricketts stands in the formal dining room wearing a silk robe, pajama tops and bottoms, drinking two fingers of Glenlivet and watching the fourth quarter of the NBA Finals on his tablet. The red governor’s phone rings. An attendant in a Cubs jersey brings him the ringer on a silver tray.
LT. GOV. FOLEY
LT. GOV. FOLEY
No…I ate a tot.
Splendid. I love SONIC.
FADE TO BLACK
Megan Fox hasn’t strayed much from her classic starlet look over the years (see the above photo from the Golden Globes in 2011). Photos from on set for her new movie, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2”, suggest that she might be moving in a new direction. What do you think, is Megan’s new look an improvement? We think she’s aging gracefully but aging nonetheless.
Megan Fox studying lines while on set for her new film “Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles 2.”