Jacob Hainline ׀ The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — According to witnesses, Omaha resident Lloyd Baker has been having intensely passionate daydreams that appear to involve his fantasy baseball team.
Baker, 43, has been found by family, friends, and coworkers in sensual reverie on multiple occasions in the past two weeks. During these episodes, the local business executive has been overheard whispering the names of various Major League Baseball players while in a mild state of ecstasy.
Those close to Baker are confident that he is turned on by nothing more than his chances of winning a fantasy baseball league championship. This does not make it any less weird and creepy, they say.
Baker’s administrative assistant Susan James was the first eyewitness. She says she saw Baker having a fantasy baseball fantasy early one morning in his downtown office.
“I saw him staring off into space with this blissful look,” James said. “He was mumbling something about [Toronto Blue Jays outfielder] Jose Bautista and third-base eligibility, whatever that means.”
That’s when Baker’s strange behavior began to make her uncomfortable, James says.
“He started breathing really heavily,” she said. “Then I heard him whisper: ‘43 home runs last year.’ Then he bit his lip and said, ‘Oh, God, yes!’”
Said James: “It was really unpleasant.”
According to his wife Virginia Baker, similar incidents have been happening at their home. Last weekend, she says she found her husband relaxing in a bubble bath. He was breathlessly calling out the name of Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander, along with the player’s career statistics.
“He was murmuring something about Verlander’s 1.19 lifetime WHIP,” she said. “It got him real hot and bothered, and – I can’t believe I’m saying this – his nipples were rock hard.”
Sources have confirmed that Bautista and Verlander are both on the roster of Baker’s fantasy baseball team, “Baker’s Rakers.” Baker selected the players during his league draft on March 20, which roughly coincides with the onset of the steamy daydreams.
Other MLB players, including Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer and Texas Rangers shortstop Elvis Andrus, are known to be members of Baker’s fantasy team – and also objects of his disturbing fantasies.
Jacob Hainline | The Tattler
WASHINGTON, DC. — The Auburn Tigers, or possibly Michigan St., claimed victory in a random college football bowl game against some other team, according to the hazy recollection of the U.S. populace.
The exact final score could not be pinned down, as the nation was flipping back and forth between the game, NCIS reruns, and an episode of Bravo’s Top Chef, completely missing the final six minutes of the fourth quarter in the process.
“They were up by 13 the last I checked,” said Jared Williams, 37, of Tacoma, Wash., a spokesman for the American public. “I didn’t see the end, but I’m pretty sure the Buckeyes held on…at least I think it was the Buckeyes.”
Of the 35 bowl games played this season, the nation could not recall precisely which one it was referring to, but is pretty sure it was a mid-tier match-up, probably between ranked opponents, but maybe not.
“It wasn’t one of the ‘big’ ones, like a Sugar or Fiesta Bowl,” said Kevin O’Grady, 43, of Bangor, Maine. “But it wasn’t one of those really lame ones either, like, say, the New Mexico Bowl. I don’t know: Holiday Bowl? Alamo Bowl, maybe?”
Oklahoma, or perhaps Florida St., built an early lead with a long touchdown pass or possibly some kind of kick return, the nation said. There may have been a critical turnover in the second quarter, which the Longhorns, or a completely different team, used to set up a field goal just before halftime, unless the U.S. population was thinking of a different game.
“I remember the kicker booting a 47-yard kick into a fierce wind,” Williams said. “But I also kind of remember the game being played inside a dome, so maybe I’m wrong about the wind.”
The highlight of the night – or day – was a rushing touchdown by a running back whose last name was either Thomas or Thompson that covered anywhere from 40 to 70 yards, though the nation could not remember if the play was called back because of a holding penalty or not. If the touchdown counted, it might have been Thomas’, or Thompsons,’ second, or possibly third of the game, but the nation isn’t 100-percent sure, so don’t quote it.
“He was really in the zone,” O’Grady said. “If you ask me, he should have been the MVP of the game. And, hey, maybe he was. I honestly have no idea.”
According to the nation, the incoherence of the college football postseason, combined with the frenzy of the holidays, can make it difficult to keep track of the bloated slate of bowl games. And with no playoff system in place, only the BCS Championship has any real significance.
“It’s hard to make sense of all those games,” Williams said. “They just sort of blend together into a confused pile of meaninglessness,”
He added: “Remind me again, why we do it this way?”
The Tattler | Jacob Hainline
DENVER, Col. — Following an embarrassing 41-23 loss to the New England Patriots, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow renounced his Christian faith and proclaimed himself an atheist.
Tebow, who until now had been the NFL’s most high-profile evangelical Christian, told reporters during Sunday’s post-game press conference that Denver’s humbling 18-point defeat, which snapped a six-game winning streak, is a clear sign that God does not exist.
“I’ve spent my whole life praying and serving the Lord, but after today I think it’s pretty clear I was living a lie,” said Tebow as he clutched a cross torn from his neck moments earlier.
After becoming the Broncos’ starting quarterback in October, Tebow led the team to a series of dramatic victories with heroic late-game efforts despite poor throwing mechanics and inaccurate passing. Many of the wins seemed so unlikely and improbable that it prompted some fans and pundits to wonder if the Broncos had been prevailing through divine intervention, including Tebow himself.
“We just kept winning and it didn’t make sense,” said Tebow, “‘cause I’m not a very good football player. I just figured Jesus was helping us since I prayed to him so much. “
Losing to the Patriots, said Tebow has caused him to reassess things.
“Looks like I was wrong,” he said. “I guess we were just lucky. I can clearly see now that the universe is random and indifferent. Christopher Hitchens was so right.”
The loss itself was enough to shake his faith, but even worse, said Tebow, was the fact that the Broncos were bested by, of all people, Tom Brady and the Patriots. Brady, with his playboy reputation, has an out-of-wedlock child and a super model girlfriend. If that weren’t enough, Patriots coach Bill Belichick is considered by many a dark and sinister character, pro football’s answer to Beelzebub.
“If there were a God,” asked Tebow, “do you think he would allow me to lose to that godless fornicator and his satanic coach?”
Teammates and coaches were stunned by Tebow’s announcement, but few could question the validity of his words.
“I can accept the presence of evil and suffering in the world,” Broncos coach John Fox said, “but if God won’t help Tim Tebow win a football game, then I have no alternative but to conclude that He does not exist.”
Others still clung to what remained of their faith. Wide receiver Eric Decker tried to account for the loss in terms of his own personal failings.
“In the third quarter I caught a glance of one of the cheerleaders, and I had an impure thought,” he said. “I’m pretty sure that’s why Jesus made us lose.”
The controversy over God’s role in the outcome of Tebow’s games was stoked last week after Tebow’s now former pastor Wayne Hanson of Colorado’s Summit Church was quoted as saying, “Luck isn’t winning six games in a row. It’s favor. God’s favor.”
Hanson was not on hand for Sunday’s defeat. He did not return several phone calls that were made for this story, though he did respond via text message, saying: “dude! i wuz so wrong 🙁 my bad. LOL”
For his part, Tebow said he is looking forward to a new secular life. He said he is not sure what the future holds for his football career, but is happy to be free from what he called the “prison of theistic superstition.”
“I believe it was Nietzsche who said, ‘God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight,’” said Tebow. “I now see the truth contained in those words.”