Chelsie Hartness | The Omaha Tattler
THEDFORD, Neb. — A new species of frog discovered in late February of this year turns out to be pretty much like every other frog. When first uncovered, the species was prematurely named Rana superiom, and was believed to carry a cure for the common cold, a far more advanced and less invasive version of Botox, and its behavior was thought to be humorous and charming.
“Yes, we’re very disenchanted by the averageness of this frog species,” admitted Steven Johansson, Ph.D., director of the Department of Animal Sciences at Cornell University. “The immunomodulatory effects thought to cure a cold were concluded to just trigger a rash, but nothing severe and usually fading in less than 10 minutes. The neurotoxin thought to trump Botox was found to be less powerful than Orajel and the personalities of this species seem to actually be quite gross.”
The doctor continued, saying that the only reason this frog species has been allowed to stay within the Rana genus is out of pity due to how insecure the frogs have proven themselves to be. In most recent studies, particular subtypes of this new species have been found to suffer from depression, asthma and acne. All financial backing for future research of the Rana superiom has been terminated. The frogs originally obtained for examination have been given to immediate cousins of the lab technicians and one aunt with special needs.
Copyright 2011 by The Associated Dress. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. If violated we will probably ride your coattails to fame.
Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – British Petroleum (BP) officials, despite several attempts, have not yet been able to plug the leak that is spewing 210,000 gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico every day. In an act of shear desperation company CEO Tony Hayward has enlisted the expertise of Daniel Day Lewis.
“Mr. Lewis played a very successful oil prospector by the name of Daniel Plainview in the film “There Will be Blood”. His character’s ability to extract oil from private lands in California and deal with the public relations side of drilling and its environmental impacts are crucial for our organization.”
Mr. Lewis initially was held on retainer to advise on issues related to media and environmental special interests groups. “Mr. Lewis went through some difficult times playing the character Daniel Plainview,” shared Group Chief Executive John Browne with the Tattler. “Pretending to be a person who has to win over a skeptical community and placate the religious zealot and dynamic preacher named for the modern Sabbath is not unlike the challenges we face today.”
As the crisis worsened CEO Tony Hayward was advised to sound a more conciliatory tone in press conferences. “Mr. Lewis told me how difficult it was for the character Daniel Plainview to repent, at the request of his enemy, to his dereliction of duties as a father. However, doing so was strategic and curried great favor with the superstitious locals. If he can pretend to believe in God than I can pretend to believe in environmentalism and global warming.”
Following the guidance of the Oscar winning actor, Hayward appeared in front of major media outlets in front of the backdrop of the charred oil rig, Deepwater Horizon. His official statement reads as follows:
“I’ve abandoned my oil rig! I’ve abandoned my oil rig! I’ve abandoned my beloved offshore platform! Oh God forgive me for I am a sinner. Wash me in the revitalizing waters of the Gulf that I have polluted with the greasy film of greed……
His act of contrition carried on for quite some time in same spirit as the above transcript. At the end of his confession Hayward stripped naked and waded into the oily sea. He emerged shiny and black, carrying a dead red snapper in his raised hands. He made an offering to the crowd, promising to feed the hungry masses by turning this one fish into many. When that did not work he suggested that everyone acquire a pole and he would teach them how to fish themselves. Given BP’s emphasis on sustainibilty the fishing intiative seemed sound in comparison to an isolated miracle.
Once the media and Gulf residents had been placated by the CEO’s prostration, it was time to move on to the issue of slowing the oil leak from the blown out well. BP engineers have tried numerous approachs, ranging from dropping a giant dome over the gurgling pipe to applying a more dimunitive “top hat” like the one worn by Rich Uncle Pennybags. While these attempts have failed, Daniel Day Lewis appears to have devised an elegant yet simple solution.
CEO of BP with a tip of the cap to Gulf residents.
Tattler reporters were invited to a briefing explaining the intricacies of the newest operation. The plan was described graphically in a Power Point presentation. The broken pipe driven into the sea floor was represented by what looked like a soda fountain glass. Dipping into the glass was a candy cane striped straw that reached from the sea floor to a tanker on the surface. The tanker was also shaped like a soda fountain glass tipped on it’s side, with a hull and smokestack. The plan was dubbed “Project I Drink Your Milkshake.”
Shareholders in British Petroleum and executives were very pleased with Daniel Day Lewis’s work as a media consultant and engineer, so much so that the company has hired the actor full time. Mr. Lewis is now working with Human Resources to devise selection criteria in accordance with the Americans with Disability Act. Considering his role as an Irish man with Cerebral Palsy in the film ‘My Left Foot,’ we here at the Tattler couldn’t conceive of a more qualified candidate.
Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – Newton’s First Law (Inertia): A body at rest remains at rest and a body in linear motion remains in motion with constant velocity until and unless an external force is applied on it.
“According to Sir Isaac Newton, honey,” proffered doctor of Physics Len Feldman, “it is inevitable that I remain on the couch unless an external force, say a Division II linebacker or the lash of a whip, were to act against me; and to be completely honest, the energy transfer necessary to get to my feet is not justified by the tasks awaiting me in the yard.”
As her husband lectured from the living room Lynn Shefield (maiden name) finished unloading the dishwasher, blowing a strand of hair from her face as she bent down to return the silverware basket to its molded home. This was not the first time Len had unnecessarily used principles of physics to explain events. To Lynn’s embarrassment he once used classical mechanics in his recounting of a traffic accident to a beat cop: his proposal of marriage included references to molecular physics and thermodynamics.
In the nascent stages of their courtship she found her husband’s intellectual curiosity and academic study titillating. They shared a small apartment in Madison, WI with a rescue cat named Archimedes while Len attended graduate school. Dates consisted of renting Robert Altman films, eating Indian take out, and drinking bargain bin Shiraz. Seduction took the form an annebriated treatise of Jaun Maldacena’s latest paper on the quantum microstates of black holes.
So many commonalities can be found between the complex nature of love and the natural philosophies; there is no better way in fact to understand the relationship between space and time than to fall love. These thoughts had occurred to Dr. Feldman while defending his dissertation, six years prior, in front of a committee that included a tenured faculty whose claim to fame was working on a team with Theodore Maiman at Hughes Research Laboratory expanding the use of laser technology in modern life. His attention shifted again, now to the ring in his pocket, he was planning to propose to Lynn at his dissertation party, and yet again to the uses of lasers in modern life (cutting holes in bank vaults, converting his Chevy Dart to a getaway car, defeating robot armies). Why not a laser ring?
Nearly seven years since the day of their wedding the two were ensconced in the intricate gaming of a long term affair. While Len lingered ever longer on the couch in a symbolic act of insubordination and individual freedom, Lynn played the part of good wife and martyr in the other room: Nag and Cad. Neither wanted to be either; the roles were forced upon them by the same phenomena that produced sun spots. An opportunity presented itself each day to break pattern and choose a new paradigm, an evolution of similar significance to Australopithecus, but each day it was somehow overlooked; the momentum of the relationship propelled at such a speed that to reverse it would take the energy equivalent of a split atom, perhaps a split cell.
The phone rang, first hers and upon not answering then Len’s, which was on vibrate. It bounced across the table generating a crinkling sound as it sat atop the translucent window of a Sprint bill. She answered.
We’re good, Len’s just waking up from a nap and I just finished putting some dishes away. How was your weekend?
Did Dad see the doctor yet about his toe? Stay on ‘im or he’ll just let it go and continue to complain about it.
I’m still feeling a little off in the mornings, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, probably just a touch of the flu.
Photo by Newton, Helmut
Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – A 12-year-old Omaha boy (identity withheld) convincingly made the argument for emancipation from his parents in a Douglas County court. Presiding over the case was Judge James Gleason, who made the decision to grant the boy’s request and give legal guardianship to an internet search engine of his choosing after only 2 hours of deliberation .
Gleason said of the boy, “His closing argument was first rate, like he had researched the whole thing on the…….well the internet. I felt truly sorry for his Mother, but sometimes the scales of justice are tipped by rationale argumentation and Wikipedia footnotes.”
Jim Riley, the Father, considered his son no more or less inquisitive than the average child. He wanted to know where babies came from, why the sky was blue, and whether or not ants peed. Both he and the child found frustrating the paterfamilias’ inability to give convincing answers to his Son’s queries.
Q: Where do babies come from?
A: Storks deliver them to British homes, kangaroos to Australians, they are packaged with Guinness in Ireland, in America they are marketed as tax deductions and good excuses to go fishing.
Beth Riley was simultaneously bursting with pride (my little boy is all grown up!) and pursued by regret (I knew I should have made more of an effort to understand polynomials) following the Judge’s decision. Although her second child had over time become more likely to search for answers to his homework on than computer rather than ask his parents help, she was assuaged by the thought that he was learning to exert independence. Besides, she found his search engine skills vital when trying to find a good recipe for paella or cheap makeup online, but not so when he turned to the same source for advice on rashes and puberty.
Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: The sky once ran red with the blood of angels who dare questioned God’s omnipotence. The color palette was altered after celestial human factor’s researchers determined blue to be soothing to early Homosapiens.
In most states emancipation is granted as a result of marriage, parental neglect, or economic self-sufficiency. The Omaha tween argued that his parent’s inability to answer rudimentary questions regarding biology, religion, mathematics, history, as well as a shocking ineptitude with cellphones, disqualified them as capable guardians. An excerpt of the boy’s closing elucidates this last point.
“Ladies and Gentlemen of the court, distinguished judge, mousy court reporter, I would like to close with an anecdote. Recently I came home from an evening cello lesson to find my Mother and Father huddled over the DVD player. By their own admission, they had spent the last 45 minutes trying to change the TV to a video channel. My Mother was on the verge of hysterics similar in appearance to my night terrors; Father was so frustrated he was in the process of opening his third Miller Lite and launching a jeremiad about his own Father’s neglect after returning from the Korean War.
The tableau was of no surprise to me; they had left three messages on my cell phone; the last two the phone was left on top of the TV as they veered into speculation concerning my drunk uncle Richard’s latest girlfriend and the conclusiveness of evidence for global warming . In conclusion, this is no way to raise a child. I have a new family now, one algorithmically designed to optimize my searches assuring accurate and up to date information. If that is not unconditional love, well than I don’t know the meaning of the term. Something tells me that my new Father does, however.”
Q: Do ants pee?
A: Only when threatened, much like Andy Dick.
The elated plaintiff following his victory press conference