LINCOLN, NE — Yesterday evening at 10:45 pm Lieutenant Governor of Nebraska, Mikey Foley, conducted a clandestine drug deal in a SONIC restaurant parking lot in the capital city of Lincoln, NE.
Lt. Governor Foley parked his 2013 Ford Focus next to an early 2000’s Dodge Caravan with tinted windows. The two men rolled down the windows one would roll down to have a conversation, although witnesses say that it would have made more sense for Foley to have parked in such a way that he could have rolled down his driver’s side window.
“I mean, clearly he’s never bought drugs from someone in a public location. He had to yell across the car to talk to the Indian guy,” said a male eye witness who was jammin’ on a java chiller french vanilla shake available this summer only from SONIC.
Foley was directed to move to the passenger seat of the drug dealer’s vehicle where the two exchanged money for 1,000 viles of sodium thiopental. Roller blade waitress, Kelly Gibson, approached the car at 10:55 to deliver food to the Indian, drug dealing driver.
“The gentleman in the Caravan ordered a slammin’ bacon cheeseburger toaster, medium tots and a Powerade mountain berry blast slush – a limited time partnership between Powerade and SONIC. The uptight guy in khakis and a Husker hat pulled low over his eyes said he didn’t need anything. They were very obviously in the middle of a drug deal,” said Gibson.
As Gibson handed food through the window she overheard the driver ask Foley if he wanted to take a hit of the sodium thiopental. According to Gibson, Foley declined saying it was really late so he’d better get back home to his wife and kids and also he didn’t want to die. The driver shrugged his shoulders and offered Foley a tot which he graciously accepted.
Foley left the parking lot at 11:05, twenty minutes after arriving, with a gym bag containing $54,000 in killer Mumbai shit. The Indian driver finished his rockin’ meal, exited his vehicle to throw the remnants in the trash, and waved nonchalantly at Kelly who has practicing her backwards skating while drinking a chillin’ blackberry & pineapple SONIC splash.
Asked if drug deals were common in the Sonic parking lot Gibson replied, “Oh yeah. I’d say it’s 60% of our business. You want some onion rings? We have a bunch we just pulled out of the fryer.”
I said, “Yes, that would be kickin’, ” and took a large order of SONIC onion rings to go.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE GOVERNOR’S MANSION!
Governor Ricketts stands in the formal dining room wearing a silk robe, pajama tops and bottoms, drinking two fingers of Glenlivet and watching the fourth quarter of the NBA Finals on his tablet. The red governor’s phone rings. An attendant in a Cubs jersey brings him the ringer on a silver tray.
LT. GOV. FOLEY
LT. GOV. FOLEY
No…I ate a tot.
Splendid. I love SONIC.
FADE TO BLACK
Will Meinen | The Tattler
Washington, D.C. – The Tattler uncovered another stunning development in the Rand Paul plagiarism scandal. According to the Kentucky Senator’s 10-year-old son, Paul has a history of plagiarizing bed time stories.
“I can’t remember a time when he didn’t claim to be making up a bed time story while clearly using details from fairy tales or popular, young adult fiction,” said the disgusted fourth grader. “For an entire year he told me the developments of a whimsical boy wizard with remarkable talents. I saw ‘Harry Potter Philosopher’s Stone’ on his nightstand! Who does he think he’s fooling?”
Senator Paul was reached by email for comment.
“I am stunned,” wrote the Senator. “Look, when I’m performing a bed time story I am speaking extemporaneously. It’s off the cuff, and usually I’m tired and have important work that needs my attention. So maybe the ‘Old Lady in the Shoe’ or ‘Tales of King Arthur’ were paraphrased. Apparently I’m going to have to provide footnotes for my bed time stories now. Let me tell you something, if dueling was legal in Kentucky I would challenge my son. I would shoot that boy down.”
Paul’s son was not threatened by the Senator’s comments.
“I have been playing first-player shooter games since I was out of diapers,” said the boy. “I will shoot my own father through the heart before he can raise his gun. Bring it on you narrative hack.”
The young boy puts down his iPhone 5c on his night stand, picks up Orson Scott Card’s “Ender’s Game” and smiles.
Will Meinen | The Tattler
Washington, D.C. — In an offhand response to a question about how the Assad government in Syria might avoid a US military strike, Secretary of State John Kerry fell backwards into a diplomatic solution to the Syrian question. His dumb luck continued this week when he secured a possible three-some between his wife, Teresa Heinz, and a divorced friend of the couple.
The Kerry’s were enjoying a post-coital moment after another stressful day of diplomacy when Mrs. Heinz Kerry, heir to the Heinz family fortune, asked her husband if he had any sexual fantasies that he’d like to play out.
“I figured there was no chance it would happen,” said Kerry, “so I just blurted out, ‘I guess it would be nice to have a three-some with another woman joining us, perhaps your friend Sandra from the Alliance to End Childhood Lead Poisoning.'”
To Kerry’s amazement his wife was amenable to the idea, even offering to make an inquiry with Sandra as well suggesting some alternative candidates. Kerry received a phone call the following day with the news that Sandra was agreeable but would like to meet to discuss conditions of the affair.
“This is stressful” said Kerry. “Now I have two precarious negotiations with far reaching implications on my plate. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this.”
When asked to clarify the set of negotiations for which he was not cut out Kerry replied, “Oh, the Syria thing. I’ve been dreaming of a three way since I was sixteen. I’m making that shit happen.”
The Tattler | Will Meinen
Richmond, VA — “Don’t go in there, it’s a trap!” yelled Colin Powell, the 4-star general and former Secretary of State responsible for making the case for the 2003 invasion of Iraq. The retired General’s wife hurried to the living room to find the decorated military veteran and distinguished civil servant shouting at the flat screen television as the current Secretary of State delivered remarks regarding atrocities in Syria.
“I thought he was watching a scary movie again,” said his wife, Alma Johnson. “He loves ‘The Amityville Horror’ and movies of that ilk.”
Instead Powell of was sitting on the edge of his leather sectional with a bowl of light buttered microwave popcorn as John Kerry supplied evidence of a chemical weapons attack against Syrian citizens by President Bashar al-Assad. Powell responded to references to UN Inspectors and the accounting of chemical weapons stockpiles by covering his head with a blanket and screaming, “run, just run away!” and “look behind you!” while covering his face with his hands.
After Kerry’s remarks concluded pundits for MSNBC began to speculate about likely military action by the United States against the Assad led government in Syria. Powell put down his half eaten bowel of popcorn and said to no one in particular, “I’m not watching this anymore. I already know how it ends.”
As reported by the Kremlin
Moscow, Russia — The great and powerful leader Vladmir Putin today saved a ship carrying 75 Siberian orphans from a giant octopus. What was meant to be a day of pleasant fishing with the unmatched outdoorsman and Russian President almost turned tragic when a giant octopus emerged from the placid waters of the Laptev Sea, with a head the size of the largest turret on St. Basil’s Cathedral and tentacles so long that they easily wrapped themselves around the bow of the 640-ton fishing vessel.
The President, already shirtless, ordered the children off the deck as he tied an anchored rope to his waist. The octopus swung one of the giant arms at Putin who dodged the attack using a judo roll. The beast countered with another violent slap that missed by centimeters. The sea beast was off balance momentarily as a wave rocked the side of the vessel allowing Putin just enough time to lower the nets starboard and load the whaling harpoon.
The net confounded the monster’s movements leaving Putin ample time to deliver a monologue and devastating blow. Poised behind the whaling harpoon, soaking wet and glistening in the afternoon sun, our fearless leader jeered, “I’m sending you back to the dark depths of hell you orphan hating sea creature.”
The harpoon jettisoned from the deck of the lilting ship and found its home in the right eye of the hapless attacker. The orphans below deck, huddled together in terror, reported hearing the screams of the monster. The President began loading a second harpoon feverishly only to watch as the octopus released its hold on the ship and fade back into the sea, leaving in its a wake a frothing foam of blood and eye gush.
All went silent; the children continued to hold each other closely, fearing the worst. Suddenly a booming voice from above said, “All clear. The beast has been put down.” The orphans roared, for this news was even better than being placed with a loving family. Their true father was still alive and victorous once more.
The orphans rushed up the metal galley stairs and poured onto the deck, jumping up and down in celebration. They were safe! Father Putin had protected them from imminent danger! Each orphan in their turn ran into the arms of the President. He squatted down and easily hoisted them in the air and spun them around, their arms out and head back, giggling.
“Take us home,” ordered Putin to the weathered, one-armed captain. “Aye,” he replied while shaking his head in disbelief over the whole ordeal.
Back on land the President regaled the children with the story of his conquest over chocolate ice cream cones. He must have told the story a dozen times, because every time he finished the children in unison would plead, “Again, again!”
Russia is a great land, its people brave and strong, and its President the finest the world has ever seen. Wouldn’t you agree?
Will Meinen | The Tattler
WASHINGTON, D.C. — News outlets have entered into non-stop discussion about the winners and losers of the violence between Israel and Palestinian militants.
Israeli defense forces could argue that they won the Battle for Gaza Strip, having hit 1,600 targets, killed 100 Hamas commanders, destroyed 26 weapon caches and 200 supply tunnels.
Hamas on the other hand fired 1,500 rockets at Israel, dared the Israeli Prime Minister to invade, and emerged politically intact and, one could argue, stronger.
Egypt President Mohammed Morsi, has a good argument to declare his administration the victor after brokering a cease-fire between the two sides. Or how about Iran, the country that by proxy experts believe Israel was truly fighting.
When discussing who won or lost politically or strategically, one group’s voice has been conspicuously absent- dead civilians.
“I feel like I am one of the clear losers,” said a dead Palestinian mother of three. “I mean, I’m dead, which I would prefer not to be. I believe in Allah of course, but still, I’d prefer to be alive.”
The same sentiment was expressed by a deceased teenage Israeli girl.
“I understand that my death is just one casualty in a long battle over land and tradition, but to me my death was very personal. While I was dying from a Hamas rocket that landed on my house, I really wasn’t thinking about Israel returning to the pre-1967 borders. I was just thinking, ‘I’m dying right now from some pretty horrific injuries and I don’t want to die. I want to live a long life with a husband and kids. I want to see another sunset and eat delicious food. Please, God, don’t take me right now.”
In fact where they couldn’t agree in life, all of the civilian casualties from the November 2012 Battle for Gaza Strip were of the consensus that they would be better off if the fighting never would have occurred and they were still breathing and struggling daily to enjoy their time on earth.
Will Meinen | The Tattler
HUNTSVILLE, TX. — A jury not of its peers voted unanimously to deliver the harshest of punishments, the death penalty, to a meatloaf. The meatloaf was responsible for the death of rancher Bill McGovern of Huntsville who choked on the meal cooked by his wife of 36 years, Margaret. It was a family recipe handed down several generations. It was the coriander and roasted carrots that gave it a unique flavor and texture. Margaret had always told her hard-working, salt-of-the-earth to chew his food thoroughly and slow down. He had never heeded her advice and now he is dead.
“I was out in the garden pruning the tomato plants,” testified the wife of the deceased while on the stand. “I came in to get bug spray and Bill was on the floor not breathing. I tried to revive him, but I couldn’t! I didn’t realize he was choking on my grandmother’s famous meatloaf, a dish that had brought me some much joy.”
The jury was visibly moved by the widow’s recounting of that fateful day. The defendant sat motionless on the table next to the seated and resigned defense attorney.
Sources close to the DA of 10 years, Steve Michaels, admitted to being skeptical about his client’s chances. There was no disputing the facts: the meatloaf had been removed from the victims throat. The cause of death was clearly due to a restriction of the airway. The only issue unresolved was motive. Why? Why would a hearty meal take the life of an upstanding member of the community: an entrepreneur, father, and member of the NRA.
The defense approach taken by Mr. Michaels was based on the idea that the state has no authority to expose a inanimate object to the human justice system.
Michaels outlined his defense in his closing arguments.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My client is a food item composed of ground beef, spices, and egg, transformed by human ingenuity and heat. I concede that my client did in fact cause the death of Bill McGovern, a stand up guy as we have heard testified in the courtroom over the course this trial. But a meatloaf is not a person. It doesn’t have a soul, it doesn’t have intention, and it can’t be held responsible for choking a man to death. It’s a tragic situation, but ladies and gentlemen, you can’t punish food. I beg of you to let my client return to where it belongs, a refuse heap. Thank you.”
Bedlam ensued outside the court house as the jury deliberated. Activists gathered to protest the possible execution of comfort food. Fans of the musician Meat Loaf arrived in droves with the mistaken belief that the creator of the “Bat Out of Hell” trilogy had been charged with a heinous crime.
“Marvin Aday, known publicly as the artist Meat Loaf, is a gentle soul,” declared a fan holding a sign that read, “Deliver Eddie from his Chains.”
It’s a “Rocky Horror Picture Show” pun.
The jury was out for only two hours. They returned to the jury box, stoic, and when prompted by the grey haired judge the foreman delivered a verdict of ‘guilty’ with the recommendation of the death penalty. The judge informed the jury that the recommendation was redundant, as anyone convicted of murder in the state of Texas was given the death penalty.
The family of the victim reacted with tears and a palpable sense of relief.
“Justice has been served,” said the victim’s brother from Houston. “That meatloaf is going to fry for what it has done. Burn in hell you delicious bastard!”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
WASHINGTON, D.C. — First Lady Michelle Obama has enlisted an important ally in her task force’s fight against childhood obesity. The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has been given approval by Congress to join in the fight to eradicate childhood obesity within a generation.
“Fighting obesity means identifying the families in which obesity is an issue,” said Mrs. Obama on Friday at a White House press conference. “The FAA is going to be on the front lines of collecting data and providing an opportunity for intervention.”
TSA agents are currently being trained to deliver cholesterol and blood sugar testing to passengers that “appear to have a body mass index of 30 or higher,” which corresponds with the Center for Disease Control’s definition of obese.
“Passengers who appear to meet the BMI criteria will be asked to undergo further testing that allows us to check for explosives and calcium deficiencies,” said FAA chief Michael Huerta. ” As for the extremely large passengers, they will be given a blood workup, contact information in their area for diet and exercise support, and literature on how to change the course of childhood obesity. We understand it is more invasive than our current procedures, but we see it as an opportunity to create unique cross-organizational synergy in the fight against fat.”
Individual rights activists have been quick to admonish the government for encroaching on civil liberties and profiling.
“This is an absolute abuse of power by the central government,” said Susan Herman, President of the American Civil Liberties Union. “The TSA has no authority to do anything beyond assuring that passengers are not a safety risk to their fellow passengers or airline employees. Furthermore, how can someone be trained to identify a person who appears to have a BMI of 30 or greater? The criteria for additional screening are arbitrary and offensive.”
Mrs. Obama understands concerns over individual rights, the stigma associated with being identified for additional screening, and the possible travel delays for passengers requiring extensive blood work before flying. But, the first lady feels that the measures, while somewhat extreme, are justified considering the costs to our nation that result from childhood obesity.
“We can’t just sit back and watch as generations are lost to the physical ravages of obesity,” said Mrs. Obama during last week’s bi-weekly Babies with Boobies meeting. “Childhood obesity isn’t just a family issue, it’s a cultural issue. We need to use every tool at our disposal to fight this epidemic. The costs are just too high to ignore.”
The new regulations will take effect prior to the November elections. The White House did not respond to The Tattler’s request for comment on the controversial measure, saying only, “What is the Tattler?”
The Tattler | Will Meinen
NEW YORK CITY — Recently elected President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, paced impatiently outside the office of the Chief Creative Officer of DC Entertainment— owner of the brands DC Comics, Vertigo, and MAD.
“Mr. Johns will see you now,” said the CCO’s assistant Diane Carter to the shirtless Russian leader.
President Putin strode confidently into the office, carrying a large portfolio case containing a color storyboard of the first edition of “President Putin: Tiger Hunter.”
Mr. Johns, the creative head of DC Comics, and the art house responsible for such characters as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, greeted the foreign leader with a firm handshake and offered Putin a beverage.
“Ms. Carter,” said Mr. Johns into a chrome intercom box resting on his glass desk, “please bring the Prime Minister a cup of black coffee and a bear claw.”
“So, Mr. Putin, what can I do for you?”
“I have conquered the ways of international espionage, politics, and finance. It is time that I become immortalized as a comic book hero. I have developed an origin story, a fatal flaw, and some super-cool villains with whom to do battle.”
“Well, Prime Minister that sounds very interesting, but our project development teams are all busy at this time. Furthermore, I don’t know if DC Entertainment would be interested in becoming involved in a project that might be viewed as overtly political. I think we are going to have to pass.”
“You haven’t even let me do my pitch yet!” shouted Putin, his muscled torso flexing in frustration.
“Okay. You have come a long way to share your ideas. That was rude of me. Please, show me your storyboard.”
“Thank you. Give me just a moment to set up.”
Putin’s assistant, a bald man four feet thick wearing a pinstripe navy suit began to assemble an easel. The former KGB agent placed the storyboard on the easel, performed 100 one-armed pushups, and cleared his throat.
“To begin, this first slide shows a mockup cover of the first edition. As you can clearly see here, it’s a 30-year-old Putin crouching in the jungle, naked, lean-muscled torso, tiger stripes across his belly, waiting to pounce like a pensive puma.”
“Next slide, please,” Putin said calmly to his goon.
“A twenty-five-year-old Putin is bench pressing in Stasi headquarters, East Berlin. A Stasi commander then approaches, marveling at the amount of weight being put up by the handsome rugged KGB agent, ‘I heard you know where to hunt for tigers,’ he says. ‘I know a place,’ Putin responds, while toweling off his sweaty chest. Cut to— next slide please.”
“Putin leads a hunting party through the thick brush of Ussuri, Siberia. Suddenly a massive tiger seeking human flesh bounds towards the group of soldiers. The Germans panic and turn to run. Putin stands his ground, defending himself with nothing but a bowie knife. The tiger swipes at the brave fighter with his monster paw, giving Putin the opening to plunge the knife into the cat’s chest. The warrior proceeds to cut out the animal’s heart and eat it, transferring into him the soul and power of the animal. The Tiger Hunter is born!”
The super hero’s powers would be cat-like speed and reflexes, articulating claws, and the ability to call tigers to his aid.
The Russian President went on to explain that the super hero’s fatal flaw was fornicating with woman so well that they could never love another man. His enemies would be an ungrateful electorate, the American President, wealthy oligarchs, and a radioactive Hitler.
Mr. Johns thanked the President for his time and made some suggestions on how to improve his pitch. In the end, the character simply wasn’t “consistent with the DC aesthetic.” Upon hearing this news, Putin proceeded to break the easel over his knee, threaten the creative director in Russian, and storm out of the office, only to return to grab his goon who had not taken the cue to leave in a huff.
Jacob Hainline | The Tattler
CHICAGO — Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum told supporters Friday that if elected, he will push for a comprehensive ban on all bare-breast photos of tribal women found in National Geographic magazine.
“The time has finally come to eradicate the disgusting filth found within the smut-covered pages of this universally-esteemed institution of American journalism,” Santorum said.
Well-known for articles and photography that examine primitive tribal societies, the magazine frequently includes non-erotic photos of nude or scantily-clad women from those cultures. The former Pennsylvania senator argues that these images are nothing less than “gateway porn” and a gross affront to public morals.
“We must finally take a stand against these lewd images of exotic Jezebels with their smooth bronze skin and brazenly uncovered bosoms,” the former Pennsylvania senator said. “There is no greater threat to our children today. Not even MSNBC.”
The 124-year old periodical, published by the non-profit National Geographic society, is dedicated to exploring wide-ranging topics related to geography, popular science, history, culture, current events, and archeology. According to reports, 99.6 percent of the magazine’s content is nipple-free.
Santorum, a socially conservative Catholic, disputes the magazine’s educational value and claims that its true mission is to corrupt and pervert the youth of America. The presidential candidate envisions a diabolical conspiracy intended to put dirty pictures into the hands of adolescent males under the guise of learning.
“Many a young boy has been led astray by this magazine and drawn to a life of deviancy,” he said. “Studies show that readers of National Geographic are more likely to commit horrific sex crimes, such as condom use.”
Chris Johns, editor-in-chief of National Geographic, dismissed the claims. He called Santorum’s comments “highly fuck-headed” and “utter moron sauce.” Johns brushed off the suggestion that his publication should be the target of censorship. He believes that Santorum is an unhinged morality despot who is so preoccupied by fanatical religious beliefs that he couldn’t spot a real national crisis if it threw up on his sweater vest.
“If he thinks that nude pictures are the biggest problem this country faces,” Johns said, “then he is dumber than a frothy mixture of…just go google his last name.”
Nude pictures are only one of National Geographic’s many offenses, according to the former senator. Santorum has long criticized the magazine for embracing the theory of evolution and for promoting science and learning in general. On Friday, he reiterated those criticisms.
“Science is like a nude photo, and evolution is a big, puffy nipple that needs to be covered up,” he said.
National Geographic has no intention of altering its content in response to Santorum’s attacks. Though based on Johns’ comments, there is at least a possibility that the presidential candidate will appear in the magazine in the future.
Said Johns: “Rick Santorum is a boob…a big, saggy tribal boob.”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK. – The U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals struck down the Oklahoma legislature’s controversial constitutional amendment banning courts from using Sharia Law. The appellate judges ruled that the measure, called State Question 755, violated the Federal Constitution’s provision stating, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.” Furthermore, state officials in Oklahoma could point to no case where Sharia Law had taken precedence over state law.
Senator Anthony Sykes, co-sponsor of the bill, called the decision “another example of judges behaving as activists.”
“This is ludicrous. The great people of Oklahoma by a wide margin voted that just in case anybody thought they could, they can’t replace state law with Sharia Law,” explained the Senator. “It’s a necessary contingency plan. We all know that Muslims across the world are collaborating in a clandestine plan to infiltrate our legal system and against near impossible odds institute a Caliphate. Oklahoma has made assurances that this improbable and conspiratorial plot never happens.”
Senator Sykes said that despite the court’s ruling to overturn measure 755, he will continue to introduce legislative measures that protect the rule of law as intended by the founders. In fact, Sykes has turned his paranoia to a new threat: Star Trek Federation Law.
“Do you know how many people attend Star Trek conventions every year?” asked the Senator. “Loads. I don’t have an official statistic obviously but it’s probably in the millions. According to experts, the television series and films provide a framework for a religion. With that religion comes a set of laws outlined in the Constitution of the United Federation of Planets. Space law! Not on my watch will a bunch of pointy-eared, sci-fi extremists infiltrate our society. James T. Kirk is no James Madison!”
Not all of Senator Sykes’s colleagues believe that fans of the intergalactic series pose a real and serious threat to citizens of the Sooner State.
Representative Cory Williams has been a casual fan of “Star Trek” for some time, specifically the Next Generation crew.
“I really like Picard as commanding officer. His mellifluous voice and strong guiding hand have provided me with a template for public service. I think my colleague, Senator Sykes, is over reacting in this case to an innocuous entertainment phenomenon. Star Trek fans like the mythology and enjoy dressing up in costume, but that doesn’t make them a threat to the American way of life. Also Security Chief Tasha Yar is super sexy.”
Senator Sykes was incredulous when presented with Mr. William’s statement.
“That is exactly what I would say if my end goal was to take power and enforce my beliefs on an unsuspecting public. Hey Troy, we the Greeks are giving up on our siege. Don’t mind this wooden horse we left behind. I’m not going to pull that horse inside my inner sanctum. There is nothing Mr. Williams or any of his Romulan fascists can say that will sway me from my belief of a conspiracy by fanatics, Trekkies they call themselves, to penetrate all facets of this great country. You can teleport all you want, Mr. Williams. I’ll stick to driving my 2007 Dodge Dakota club cab, thank you very much.”
Scott Ricketts | The Tattler
TAMPA, Florida. — In what has already been a bitter and bizarre Republican presidential campaign, perhaps the strangest moment yet occurred in Tampa, FL at the latest Republican debate when Mitt Romney gave birth to a corporation while on stage.
Debate moderator Brian Williams of “NBC Nightly News” had just asked Newt Gingrich a question about his time as House speaker when Romney, who had appeared to be in pain all evening, let out a groan and fell to the ground while shouting, “It’s coming! It’s coming!”
At first, Gingrich ignored Romney and continued answering the question by invoking the name of Ronald Reagan. However, it soon became clear that even repeatedly mentioning the Gipper’s name would not get the audience’s attention back from Romney’s wailing. Williams finally interrupted Gingrich and asked Romney if he needed medical assistance.
Ron Paul, who is also apparently running for President, moved to help Romney who was now on his back with his legs up in the air. “I asked him what he was doing,” Paul later said. “And he told me he was giving birth, so I looked, and sure enough something was poking out of his vagina. That baby was coming! Being the only doctor around, I decided I would have to deliver the baby right then and there.”
To everyone’s surprise, Romney gave birth to a child, but rather to a corporation. “I couldn’t believe it,” Paul said. “But there it was. I was holding a healthy Certificate of Incorporation in my hands.”
Not everyone was excited by the happy news. Rick Santorum, finally regaining his composure after seeing a vagina for the first time, charged that the newly birthed corporation was not human, and surely was the spawn of Satan. This accusation was met by indignation by John Roberts, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, who was on hand for the debate. In an emotionally gripping moment, he admitted to being the father of the corporation and demanded the corporation be given its legal rights of personhood. Justice Roberts then began handing out cigars and copies the Citizens United decision.
Later in the evening, Romney’s campaign released a statement regarding the night’s events:
Mitt and the Chief Justice are excited to welcome a new Certificate of Incorporation into their lives. They have been looking forward to this moment for some time and have pledged to teach their new corporation about American values such as never paying more than 15 percent in taxes. Additionally they look forward to teaching their corporation that $374,327 is not very much money. Mitt and the Chief Justice will raise the corporation together, but they will not marry because a civil union is really the same as marriage. Mitt, the Chief Justice, and their new corporation are now at University Community Hospital where they are resting comfortably and are eager to get back out on the campaign trail.
The Gingrich campaign was understandably upset by the evening’s events, calling the birth a “stunt” to distract voters in Florida from Romney’s precipitous decline in recent polls. Asked if Gingrich might try to do something similar to get attention before the Nevada primary, a member of his campaign staff who is intimately familiar with Gingrich’s position on marriage stated, “I don’t think so. Our guy prefers to put things in vaginas rather than have things come out of them.”
Scott Ricketts | The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — Leading Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain has dropped out of the primary race in anticipation of yet another bombshell about his personal life. In an appearance on “Fox and Friends,” Cain told Gretchen Carlson that he expects shocking accusations of sexual misconduct to be made against him later this week.
Cain claimed the accuser is none other than former presidential candidate Herman Cain, and that the alleged incidents occurred in many places, but primarily at the Cain family home in Sandy Springs, Georgia.
Cain stated that the accuser is alleging that Cain used his right hand to manually stimulate Herman Cain in the master bathroom of the home, and that Cain has frequently been doing this to him for years. According to Herman Cain, it wasn’t until Cain’s wife unexpectedly entered the bathroom without knocking that Cain’s misconduct abruptly stopped and he quickly ran out of the bathroom.
“Let me be clear,” Cain told Carlson. “I categorically deny these accusations. They have no merit whatsoever and are completely spurious. My zipper was simply stuck, and I was only attempting to get it unstuck in a vigorous manner. You just can’t get the job done unless you go at it a hundred percent. That’s exactly the type of commitment the American people expect from me.”
“And I promise, the winner of next year’s election, whether it’s the admitted adulterer or the crazy doctor who would let a poor person die in the street, is going to have to deal with getting America’s zipper unstuck,” Cain said. “This country’s a mess, and that mess will absolutely need to be cleaned up with Kleenex. A lot of Kleenex.”
Cain also conceded to Carlson that Herman Cain has made similar accusations before when Cain was younger and still lived with his parents. This time, Herman Cain alleges, the misconduct was disrupted when Cain’s mother walked into the bathroom unannounced while Herman Cain was in the shower.
“Let me also be clear,” Cain said. “I feel that, in both instances, my Second Amendment rights as enumerated by the Constitution of the United States were violated. I mean, don’t women know to knock before coming into the bathroom?”
When Carlson pressed Cain about the nature of his relationship with the accuser, Cain finally admitted to knowing Herman Cain for a long time and having a long-standing friendship, especially when they could get some privacy. They first met, Cain said, “probably around puberty.”
“We’ve been so close for so long. That’s what makes these allegations particularly hurtful. I mean, when you allegedly harass women at the National Restaurant Association, you expect the false allegations to fly even after the hush money and Godfather’s Pizza coupons have been paid out. But this is different — it just feels so personal.”
Cain went on to say, “Even if something did happen, and I’m not saying anything did, it was merely a consensual and ongoing relationship between Herman Cain and myself. It’s certainly not something that needs to be examined further by the media and does not affect my ability to lead this country.”
“It definitely won’t keep me from running for President in the future, even though I have absolutely no chance of winning. Look at Ralph Nadar.”
Cain then appeared to nearly break down in tears, finally letting out a plaintive sigh before saying, “And I promise my wife and my supporters that, during future campaigns, I will have a more appropriate relationship with Herman Cain. We won’t visit each other unless I know the house is empty.”
When reached for comment, Cain’s Chief of Staff, Mark Block, now relieved of his campaign duties, said he planned to spend most of time leaning up against his 1978 Trans Am while smoking cigarettes, hoping to “meet some high school chicks.”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — Sam Mason and Julie Simon have been camping out with Occupy Cleveland for nearly a week. The two freshman from Kent State University, infamous location of the the 1970 National Guard attack on student protesters, were inspired by their school’s activist history.
“We felt the best way to memorialize the students who perished on our campus exercising their right to peaceful assembly was to participate in the movement of our time,” said Sam, whose father is a mortgage broker.
“Sam and I have been dating for 6 months, and we thought this would be a cool adventure. Also, I am concerned about my employment prospects in four years after I finish my degree in Religious Studies. Who knows what the job market will be like when I return from studying the Torah in Jerusalem,” explained Julie.
The experience has been profound for the young couple. They have met all kinds of different people with shared stories of disillusionment and crippling fear of the future, buoyed by youthful optimism. Julie has enjoyed volunteering at the collective kitchen and posting updates to her blog while Sam has thrown himself into the informal formalized pseudo-legislative process named The General Council.
While serving on the General Council, Sam met Leesa, a Junior studying at Antioch College.
“Leesa is different than Julie,” said Sam while holding his hands downward to signal disagreement with a speaker’s views on the overlap between Occupy ideology and that of private-sector organized labor. “Leesa is serious about activism compared to Julie who seems to view the movement as an academic subject. She told me that she was thinking about comparing the inchoate Occupy movement with the spread of early Christianity for her senior thesis. Also, Leesa has a nose ring.”
Sam texted his girlfriend and requested she attend the General Assembly at 4:00 PM, but to stand towards the back of the crowd. He would be delivering an important message using the people’s microphone.
The people’s microphone is an incredibly inefficient method of amplifying one’s voice. At any Occupy gathering around the country you will observe a speaker, surrounded by a crowd, speaking one short sentence at a time. The crowd, divided into quadrants, repeats the speaker’s short sentence so that anyone who wants to hear, regardless of their location in the encampment, can hear the message.
The solution is far less elegant than the condenser microphone; however it does match technologically with Occupier’s pre-indoor plumbing bathroom access.
The following is the transcript from Sam’s speech to the Occupy Cleveland encampment.
Mic check. (Mic check.) Julie, it has been great getting to know you. (Julie, it has been great getting to know you.) You are super smart and a great friend. (You are super smart and a great friend.) I learned a lot about world religions from you. (I learned a lot about world religions from you.) But I think it is time I moved on. (But I think it is time I moved on.) It’s nothing you did. (It’s nothing you did.) I just, well I just need to date new people. (I just, well I just need to date new people.) I met this girl Leesa and we really clicked. (I met this girl Leesa and we really clicked.) Not that you and I don’t click, (Not that you and I don’t click,) it’s just different, you know. (it’s just different, you know.) You are going to find someone really awesome, (You are going to find someone really awesome,) who appreciates you (who appreciates you) the way you deserve to be appreciated. (the way you deserve to be appreciated.) I hope we are cool (I hope we are cool) because I still need a ride home. (because I still need a ride home.) Okay I think that’s it. (Okay I think that’s it.)
Chris Gibson | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – The Supreme Court recently affirmed with a 5-4 vote that corporations have the same rights as individuals and thus a first amendment right to donate money to candidates in elections. Citizen watchdog groups have expressed concern over pernicious consequences the ruling would have on the electoral system.
“Nothing but another victory for big oil, Wall Street banks, insurance companies, and fat cats,” lamented the man on the street.
Cooperate heads were initially dancing in their plush-top floor offices; drinking the blood of hourly wage earners, kissing the soft curves of runaways bathed in ambrosia, and vomiting from their over indulgences in golden toilets. How could having barriers preventing direct campaign contributions to legislators have any undesirable outcomes? It wasn’t long, however, as is often the case with such things, that unintended consequences of the Supreme Court’s actions became apparent.
Exxon-Mobil CEO Rex W. Tillerson was shocked when he learned that Exxon Mobil had been called for jury duty.
“I just wanted to be able to throw a few bucks to a congressman to impede, er, ensure advancements in so-called green technologies are given a deliberate and thorough examination before becoming codified law, and now I have to decide whether a 19-year-old suburban shoplifter should be placed on probation or not? ” Mr. Tillerson protested.
When asked for comment on Exxon Mobil’s policy on jury pay, Tillerson confirmed that he would indeed be required to forfeit to the company the $30/day stipend as a result of his serving.
Chevron CEO David J. O’Reilly was just as startled to learn that Chevron would need to submit a 1040 and pay income tax on its yearly earnings. A visibly displeased Mr. O’Reilly was recently profiled on “60 Minutes” waiting in line at the local San Ramon, California H&R Block with a stack of wrinkled ledger paper jutting out the unclosed lid of a New Balance shoebox.
Before inquiring about Chevron’s W2, which somehow was issued by itself to itself, local tax preparer and former Jiffy Lube employee Eugene Toblowski informed Mr. O’Reilly that he would receive no preferential treatment as a result of his number three spot in the 2009 Fortune 500 list. When Eugene was unable to identify the proper “tax-type form” to “make this income tax problem go away,” O’Reilly lost his temper, enumerated his wife’s poor record keeping habits, and eventually was asked to leave the premises to calm down.
“He could never work for Chevron,” he stated once out of earshot of the building, “I gave that guy the same shadowy direction I give to my accounting team several times a year. Apparently, ‘let’s make sure we follow the rules fellas’ followed by a wink and two fingers of scotch means nothing to these people. He couldn’t even hide my personal assets in a Cayman Island account. Unacceptable.”
When Philip Morris International (as an entity) went out with some old college buddies some months back, he was just looking to blow off some steam. When he woke to the Dave Mathews CD on repeat in a twin bed next to a girl he had never seen before, the confusion did not stop him from texting a witty synopsis of the predicament to friends via TextsFromLastNight.com. Morris International panicked on the drive home after realizing that the recent Supreme Court ruling meant the company potentially could be on the hook for 18 years of child support for sex he is not sure was had, much less enjoyed.
In a surprise ruling of Joseph Heller-like proportions, the Supreme Court struck down the later request by the impregnated woman for a paternity test on the grounds that corporations do not have DNA.
And in what is possibly the most demoralizing addition to the Supreme Court decision, President Obama has issued a presidential signing statement with additional requirements for American corporations. Obama is requiring corporations to attend all family thanksgivings in the foreseeable future because, “Grandma is getting pretty ‘up-there’ in age, and this could be her last year with us.” The President has also stated that corporations will be in bed by 10 p.m. on weeknights and will keep their door open when girls come over to study Algebra. When pressed on the seemingly capricious nature of the latter requirement, Obama cited precedent in Grover Cleveland’s landmark “As long as you’re living under my roof you’ll live by my rules” doctrine.