May I have your attention members of LA Fitness. My name is Darrell Cross and I am here to help you.
You may have seen me around the gym curling 125 lb free weights, talking to staff, or spotting someone in a tank top maxing on bench press. I work out six to eight hours, spread across three different LA Fitness locations, everyday but Sundays. Even our lord God took a day to rest.
I have seen some of you here on the regular. What up, Chris? The rest of you come and go depending on how many carbs you ate this week or the intensity of the fear that you won’t be able to attract a long term mate with your body the way it currently looks.
Those of you that are committed to your fitness goals I have already worked with on diet, a supplement regimen, and your lifting form. We have also discussed my divorce in great detail.
The rest of you need to listen because I have 20 years of unsolicited coaching experience that will change your life.
None of you know how to do squats. You are all curving your back and not going low enough. The same is true with dead lifts. If you aren’t doing those two things wrong you aren’t doing them at all. I’m not sure which is worse.
Right now I’m passing out a sheet that I want you to fill out and return to me by Friday. You need to provide for me your caloric intake for the week. What are you eating? Are you getting enough protein, too much fat, not enough vegetables? What vitamins are you taking? What about protein powder? Have you heard of anti-oxidants? Let’s talk about all of this while you are doing planks.
I know you are asking yourself, “Does Darrell work here?” No, I do not work here in an official capacity. I’m kind of like a mentor to the personal trainers, however. Also I’ve been asked to teach some classes but I don’t have time. I’ve got too many informal clients at the moment.
Okay that is all —you may return to working out. My cell number and contact information are on the sheet I handed out if you need to contact me. FYI my number will be changing on Wednesday because my ex has been harassing me for child support and I’m tired of dodging her calls.
One last thing, dude in the yellow shirt over at the free weights, I’ll be over in just a second to support your elbows and tell you to breath. Let’s do this!
Will Meinen | The Tattler
Los Angeles, CA — Late Night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel revealed yesterday that the viral video “Worst Twerk Fail EVER!” in which a young woman’s pants start on fire as the result of a twerking accident, was fake. Kimmel and his staff filmed the video with a professional stunt woman. The hoax received over 9 million views on YouTube and was covered by major news outlets.
Today Kimmel admitted to another hoax, the footage of victims of a chemical weapons attack in Syria. The uncut footage shows the corpses, mourners, and doctors on site standing up and laughing. Kimmel himself joins the actors and they all dance Gangnam style.
“We didn’t send the footage to any news networks, we just uploaded to YouTube and watched as it played out,” said Kimmel. “We had no idea that if would be picked up and used to make the case for a limited military attack on the Assad led government in Syria. It’s kind of comedians dream really.”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
Washington, D.C. — President Obama, after declaring that he would take unilateral action in the planning of his family’s fall break, has conceded to let his wife and two daughters weigh in on the process. “The President is entirely within his rights to make this decision on his own,” explained Secretary of State John Kerry. “However, the President has decided that his family should be given an opportunity to be swayed by his arguments and vote according to their conscience.”
The President believes that Michelle, Sasha, and Malia would benefit from a trip to Martha’s Vineyard; a little golf, some sun, a little swimming. “It’s a light incursion onto the island,” said Obama. “We will be in on Friday and out by Monday. Nobody is going to have their lives changed by a vacation with such a limited scope, but it will send a signal to everyone that the Obama’s take family time very seriously.”
The Obama administration is concerned that his family will not support the President’s plan, “Operation Chill Wave.”
“Look, there is a chance that Michelle and the girls will not go along with the program,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney. “But it’s not like there is a clause in the family charter that requires a family vote to go forward with a holiday.”
“It’s right here,” said Sasha while pointing to the family charter. “Article 1, Section 8, Clause 11: The family by a majority vote shall have Power to declare Vacation, grant Letters of intent to relax, and make Rules concerning the use of days off. The fact is Mom and Malia and I just want to hang out in D.C. You know, go see a movie with friends, hang out at the mall or whatever. Dad won’t listen. He says we are becoming isolationists. He’s always complaining about how dirty my room is, but maybe if we’d stay home once in awhile I’d have time to clean it.”
The media has portended disaster for the President if his family votes to stay in the nation’s capital over the impending fall break, saying that he will lose credibility.
His wife, Michelle, sees it differently.
“Look,” said the First Lady, “we all know that the woman is in charge and that all that patriarchal blustering is a waste of time. I’m just letting him blow off some steam until I get my way.”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — Dan Krug, a single 32-year-old software engineer, recently opened his first online dating profile after attempting to put a fitted sheet on his queen-sized bed.
“I can’t take it anymore,” said the 5′ 11,” dark-haired man with an ‘athletic build.’ “I need to meet someone in a hurry. Trying to put a fitted sheet on a bed all by myself is so demeaning.”
Krug went on to describe his bedding insecurities while tucking a corner of the sheet under the mattress. He then paused for a moment to contemplate if he had aligned the long side of the sheet correctly with the long side of the bed —sadly, he had not. Krug proceeded to emit a deep sigh as he rotated the sheet to start the process over.
“See this is the worst part. Do you stretch it diagonally or do the top or bottom first? If you do the diagonal thing you have to get on the bed to complete the far corner, which means you’re trying not to fight against yourself while stretching the sheet. I just want to meet a nice girl to help me make the bed.”
After perfunctorily tossing the comforter on the bed, Dan made a pot of coffee and settled into his computer chair to develop a dating profile on several on-line dating sites.
Mr. Krug included pertinent details about himself in the profile: age, occupation, hobbies, desire for children, travel preferences, etc.
The more compelling section of his profile, however, was what he was looking for in a partner.
The following is a wish list of characteristics that Mr. Krug hopes to find in the perfect girlfriend.
Reminds me what day of the week is trash day so as not to create a trash related disaster during summer months
Willing to buy gifts for my family members on their birthdays and sign my name to the card
Won’t get angry if dishes are in the sink for two days, instead gently reminds me that when she gets home from yoga it would be nice if they were done
Puts Netflix back in the sleeve and in the mailbox to ensure a steady flow of entertainment options
Asks if I need to make any deposits at the bank because she is headed that way
Picks up Almond Milk at the store when it runs out mid week
In the first few weeks of spring, will schedule a time for us to go through our closet and get rid of some clothes, which will transition to an inventory of Tupperware to see which of the containers has a lid
Helps me make the bed, and makes sure there is always a clean set of sheets available for house guests
Mr. Krug admitted that his wish list of qualities seemed heavy on household or common life-management activities.
“I don’t care about religious preference or what kind of movies you like. I don’t go to church and I just assume that we won’t both like “The Avengers,” but so what. I’m trying to multi-task without going crazy. I don’t need a best friend, I need someone to remind me that I have a dentist appointment this week, and I’ll remind her that she agreed to cat sit for her friend Susan.”
Jacob Hainline ׀ The Tattler
WASHINGTON — Newly-uncovered documents reveal that the cancerous tumor which currently threatens the life Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is a paid operative of the Central Intelligence Agency.
In documents leaked to The Tattler, high-ranking officials within the U.S. spy agency describe a covert operation to assassinate Chavez that is being carried out by the malignant growth which presently resides somewhere inside the body of the socialist dictator.
The files include a series of classified memos which outline the secret mission, code-named Operation Remission Impossible. According to one particularly revealing communiqué, the mission is intended to “neutralize” Chavez in a manner that provides “maximum deniability” for the agency with “minimum get-caught-itude.”
The top-secret memo goes on to say: “Seriously, dudes! No one will ever suspect that we hired a freakin’ tumor to kill someone with cancer. It’s genius, bros!”
The tumor is thought to be stationed somewhere in the Venezuelan leader’s pelvis. The documents do not include its exact whereabouts, but do indicate that the cancerous lesion was affiliated with the CIA as early as 2008. The deadly mass was apparently recruited by the agency when it was still a pre-malignant nodule and encouraged to develop into a life-threatening neoplasm through a series of cash payments.
“The CIA has transferred upwards of $2 million into off-shore accounts linked to the tumor,” a national security analyst who has examined the documents said. “The tumor gets another $5 million if the cancer metastasizes and spreads throughout the body, and a $10 million payout upon [Chavez’s] demise.”
According to the analyst, whose name is being withheld for no reason in particular, it is common practice for the CIA to hire diseases to take out enemy targets. The method is not always successful, however.
“In the 1940s, the agency gave polio $20,000 to kill Mussolini,” the analyst said. “Turns out polio was a double-agent working for the Axis. Long story short, FDR never walked again.”
Chavez, an outspoken critic of American foreign policy, is a major threat to U.S. influence in Latin America. In 2002, the U.S. supported an unsuccessful coup d’état that nearly ousted Chavez.
“In 2002, we were working with people on the inside,” the analyst said. “But not like this. This is as inside as it gets…because, you see, it’s inside his body…you see what I did there?”
Chavez’s cancer diagnosis was disclosed to the world in 2010 when the head of state traveled to Cuba for medical treatment. Chavez has returned to Cuba on numerous occasions and is known to have undergone three surgeries and two rounds of radiation there.
“Venezuela is the greatest country in the world,” Chavez said before departing to Cuba for a recent surgery. “But, let’s face it, the hospitals here kind of blow.”
The leaked memos have circulated widely, but other news organizations have been reluctant to report on the CIA’s connection to the tumor. Most media outlets will not, as a rule, publicize the identities of active CIA operatives.
The Tattler has come under fire for its decision to report the matter. Jess Levin of Media Matters for America blasted The Tattler for its “reckless disregard for journalistic ethics.”
“The Tattler sucks balls,” said Levin. “They like to make up shit that isn’t true and put quotes in their articles that aren’t real. Those guys can seriously fuck off.”
Meanwhile, some notable figures supported the decision.
The late Robert Novak, who in 2003 exposed the identity of CIA operative Valerie Plame in The Washington Post, defended The Tattler.
“If I hadn’t died in 2009,” Novak said, “I’d have done the same thing. Way to go, team!”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the news of Rick Santorum ending his bid for the Republican presidential candidacy last week, comes new information that the former Senator of Pennsylvania had avoided the nomination using what he calls “Natural Nomination Planning.”
Jim Vanderslute, former senior staff member of the now lifeless campaign, spoke this morning at a press conference in Washington.
“It’s not a foolproof way to prevent the nomination for the highest office, but if practiced diligently, it’s a pretty effective approach.”
Vanderslute was asked to describe the logistics of the plan and just how exactly to avoid a successful campaign.
“Well, what you witnessed over the duration of the never-ending primary season was pretty much the playbook for Natural Nomination Planning. Make some headway with the base as a fiscal conservative, derail your economic message by focusing on social issues like contraception and abortion, say that the separation between church and state makes you puke, wear sweater vests in every media appearance, and then watch as your campaign contributions dry up. Textbook.”
While all of those steps are crucial to avoiding a nomination, the former senior staff member concluded by explaining the most salient of all Natural Nomination Planning tactics.
“Pull out. You have to make sure that you pull out at the end. Always, always pull out. Otherwise, you might just end up the next President, and nobody wants a full-term Santorum Presidency.”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — Local music fan, Rory Levin, despite his best efforts can’t get into electronic music.
“I have spent countless hours over the past year trying to really explore the genre,” said the apologetic Levin, “but I don’t get it. I’m sure the people that make the music are somehow talented. It’s just that I prefer music made by people playing real instruments and singing.”
Levin, a current senior at the University of Nebraska at Omaha, has asked friends for recommendations so as to make a judgement based on the the genre’s best artists. Friends have shared digital files of Grimes, Pretty Lights, Skrillex, and Flying Lotus.
Levin described much of the music as “interesting” and “cool at times.”
“I could see how it would be fun music to jump up and down to and maybe rotate glowing items in a circle, but there is no way I could just sit down and listen to it. I’ll stick to The Replacements and Johnny Cash.”
Levin’s friends feel like he is stereotyping the electronic music scene and underestimating the talent required to make compelling DJ music.
Levin, however, expressed incredulity regarding the creativity required to engineer and perform electronic music.
“Most of it seems to be a process of taking music played by actual musicians and then adding a drum beat or a ‘wha wha’ noise somewhere in the mix. DJ’s pretty much create a playlist and then show up to the gig and press play. It’s nothing I couldn’t do with my iTunes library.”
It was clear at this point in the interview that the frustrated young man no longer felt like behaving diplomatically.
“Just what is it that DJ’s are doing at the booth really? One headphone up to their ear, pretending to slide faders up and down, occasionally pushing a button at an important part of the song like they just initiated the big bang. Okay, I’ll say it, I think it’s all bullshit. Anybody could DJ. My Dad could DJ. People would probably think he was being revisionist by spinning nothing but the Everly Brothers and Herman’s Hermits. ‘Spinning,’ is such an obnoxious term. DJs and mixologists should throw a party in a non-ventilated garage with several cars running.”
Despite obvious reservations, Levin agreed to accompany friends to House of Loom to watch an acquaintance “spin.” Levin proceeded to drink excess amounts of Irish Whiskey and pretend DJ with coasters while holding a rocks glass to his right ear.
“Look everybody,” he shouted as he danced mockingly with the crowd, “I’m being innovative and cool. Fuck this, I’m dub-stepping my ass out of here.”
Jacob Hainline | The Tattler
CHICAGO — Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum told supporters Friday that if elected, he will push for a comprehensive ban on all bare-breast photos of tribal women found in National Geographic magazine.
“The time has finally come to eradicate the disgusting filth found within the smut-covered pages of this universally-esteemed institution of American journalism,” Santorum said.
Well-known for articles and photography that examine primitive tribal societies, the magazine frequently includes non-erotic photos of nude or scantily-clad women from those cultures. The former Pennsylvania senator argues that these images are nothing less than “gateway porn” and a gross affront to public morals.
“We must finally take a stand against these lewd images of exotic Jezebels with their smooth bronze skin and brazenly uncovered bosoms,” the former Pennsylvania senator said. “There is no greater threat to our children today. Not even MSNBC.”
The 124-year old periodical, published by the non-profit National Geographic society, is dedicated to exploring wide-ranging topics related to geography, popular science, history, culture, current events, and archeology. According to reports, 99.6 percent of the magazine’s content is nipple-free.
Santorum, a socially conservative Catholic, disputes the magazine’s educational value and claims that its true mission is to corrupt and pervert the youth of America. The presidential candidate envisions a diabolical conspiracy intended to put dirty pictures into the hands of adolescent males under the guise of learning.
“Many a young boy has been led astray by this magazine and drawn to a life of deviancy,” he said. “Studies show that readers of National Geographic are more likely to commit horrific sex crimes, such as condom use.”
Chris Johns, editor-in-chief of National Geographic, dismissed the claims. He called Santorum’s comments “highly fuck-headed” and “utter moron sauce.” Johns brushed off the suggestion that his publication should be the target of censorship. He believes that Santorum is an unhinged morality despot who is so preoccupied by fanatical religious beliefs that he couldn’t spot a real national crisis if it threw up on his sweater vest.
“If he thinks that nude pictures are the biggest problem this country faces,” Johns said, “then he is dumber than a frothy mixture of…just go google his last name.”
Nude pictures are only one of National Geographic’s many offenses, according to the former senator. Santorum has long criticized the magazine for embracing the theory of evolution and for promoting science and learning in general. On Friday, he reiterated those criticisms.
“Science is like a nude photo, and evolution is a big, puffy nipple that needs to be covered up,” he said.
National Geographic has no intention of altering its content in response to Santorum’s attacks. Though based on Johns’ comments, there is at least a possibility that the presidential candidate will appear in the magazine in the future.
Said Johns: “Rick Santorum is a boob…a big, saggy tribal boob.”
Chelsie Hartness | The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — A 31-year-old Omaha man was given three months of probation for shooting ducks in a pond.
Charles Boondocker was sentenced on Monday in Douglas County Supreme Court after pleading guilty to a felony charge of cruel mistreatment of an animal. When asked by an officer why he felt compelled to do the violent act, Boondocker said, “Because it’s easy.”
Boondocker has two other felony charges of criminal mischief, including stealing candy from a baby and fishing for compliments in the North Platte River. Other minor offenses of disturbing the peace include letting numerous cats out of bags and continuously judging books by their covers.
“This guy has been at it for years,” said Omaha Police Sergeant Carl Weinberg. “He’s into some really messed up stuff. Just last month I saw him hunched over a nest counting eggs, most of which hadn’t even hatched. Last fall I witnessed him running frantically around the Old Market, putting carts before police horses. The worst was when I caught him beating around a bush in broad daylight. I watched him for over an hour and he never got to the point. I feel bad for the guy — a real rotten apple.”
When Omaha deputies found Boondocker late last Friday, he was allegedly teaching an elderly Labrador Retriever new tricks. According to a statement by police, his next attack consisted of beating his neighbor’s recently deceased horse.
Probation for Boondocker will include giving him a taste of his own medicine, of which is pending approval from the Food and Drug Administration.
Copyright 2012 by The Associated Dress. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. If violated we will most likely do nothing.
Will Meinen | The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — Sarah Myers sat stunned after hearing Union University professor C. Ben Mitchell testify before Congress that the violation of one’s religious conscience constitutes ‘soul rape.’
“Call me old fashioned,” said the 31-year-old ConAgra employee, “but I define rape as when someone forces intercourse on another person without his or her consent. It seems anymore that anything can be raped.”
Sarah from Omaha is not the only one that is fed up with the contextually inaccurate use of the word rape. Women across the country have informally asked for a moratorium on the use of the word unless it fits the legal definition for which one could be prosecuted.
“Rape is a serious crime and incredibly damaging to the victim,” said one woman. “Systematic rape has been used in war and by despots as a way to humiliate and intimidate. To use the word in a casual manner diminishes the experience for victims.”
“I don’t get it,” said a man who thinks it’s permissible to use the word to describe price gouging. “Why can’t I describe $4.00 gasoline as fuel rape? I mean, I stopped at the grocery store for a New York Strip, and it was priced at $10.99 a pound. I explained to my wife that the butcher was totally trying to rape me and she got upset. Meat rape is a thing.”
Mike Stevens has a tendency to describe unfortunate events in his life as rape. He recently played 9-holes of winter golf during unseasonably warm weather only to be raped on hole seven.
“I hit a great approach shot on the par four leaving a 5-foot birdie put. I read it perfectly but it caught the edge of the cup and lipped out. I totally got raped. Right in the golf-ass I was raped.”
The recession has increased the use of the verb to explain employment and financial misfortune. Most home owners have been raped by the banks, retirees 401 K’s have been raped, the unemployed are being raped every time they turn around, and on the cultural front religious freedom is constantly being raped by the gay/secular agenda.
In a most egregious example of this trend, a mother of three wrote the Tattler and described a scenario in which her husband actually replaced the word pass with the word rape in a sentence.
“We were watching the Season 2 finale of ‘Downtown Abbey’ when he turned to me and said, ‘Rape me the Sun Chips, please.’ I couldn’t believe what I heard. I asked if he had just replaced ‘pass’ with ‘rape’ and he said, ‘I don’t know, did I?’ I suggested that tonight maybe he should just ‘rape’ on the couch. Sleep. See I did what he did…”
The Tattler | Jacob Hainline
DENVER, Col. — Following an embarrassing 41-23 loss to the New England Patriots, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow renounced his Christian faith and proclaimed himself an atheist.
Tebow, who until now had been the NFL’s most high-profile evangelical Christian, told reporters during Sunday’s post-game press conference that Denver’s humbling 18-point defeat, which snapped a six-game winning streak, is a clear sign that God does not exist.
“I’ve spent my whole life praying and serving the Lord, but after today I think it’s pretty clear I was living a lie,” said Tebow as he clutched a cross torn from his neck moments earlier.
After becoming the Broncos’ starting quarterback in October, Tebow led the team to a series of dramatic victories with heroic late-game efforts despite poor throwing mechanics and inaccurate passing. Many of the wins seemed so unlikely and improbable that it prompted some fans and pundits to wonder if the Broncos had been prevailing through divine intervention, including Tebow himself.
“We just kept winning and it didn’t make sense,” said Tebow, “‘cause I’m not a very good football player. I just figured Jesus was helping us since I prayed to him so much. “
Losing to the Patriots, said Tebow has caused him to reassess things.
“Looks like I was wrong,” he said. “I guess we were just lucky. I can clearly see now that the universe is random and indifferent. Christopher Hitchens was so right.”
The loss itself was enough to shake his faith, but even worse, said Tebow, was the fact that the Broncos were bested by, of all people, Tom Brady and the Patriots. Brady, with his playboy reputation, has an out-of-wedlock child and a super model girlfriend. If that weren’t enough, Patriots coach Bill Belichick is considered by many a dark and sinister character, pro football’s answer to Beelzebub.
“If there were a God,” asked Tebow, “do you think he would allow me to lose to that godless fornicator and his satanic coach?”
Teammates and coaches were stunned by Tebow’s announcement, but few could question the validity of his words.
“I can accept the presence of evil and suffering in the world,” Broncos coach John Fox said, “but if God won’t help Tim Tebow win a football game, then I have no alternative but to conclude that He does not exist.”
Others still clung to what remained of their faith. Wide receiver Eric Decker tried to account for the loss in terms of his own personal failings.
“In the third quarter I caught a glance of one of the cheerleaders, and I had an impure thought,” he said. “I’m pretty sure that’s why Jesus made us lose.”
The controversy over God’s role in the outcome of Tebow’s games was stoked last week after Tebow’s now former pastor Wayne Hanson of Colorado’s Summit Church was quoted as saying, “Luck isn’t winning six games in a row. It’s favor. God’s favor.”
Hanson was not on hand for Sunday’s defeat. He did not return several phone calls that were made for this story, though he did respond via text message, saying: “dude! i wuz so wrong 🙁 my bad. LOL”
For his part, Tebow said he is looking forward to a new secular life. He said he is not sure what the future holds for his football career, but is happy to be free from what he called the “prison of theistic superstition.”
“I believe it was Nietzsche who said, ‘God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight,’” said Tebow. “I now see the truth contained in those words.”