Professor Radwin has seen the universe through telescopes, microscopes and astral projection. He has achieved Nirvana, twice. His advice is irrefutable and ineffable so be sure to keep it a secret. Professor Radwin can be reached via telepathy and is occasionally found playing chess in Riverside park against himself. He always wins.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Today is a 7.5 — Treat yo’ self. You need to get out of the house and tip over a cardboard box at a garage sale. Your commitments are piling up, so stay at home and eat pop-tarts instead.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Today is a 6 — You forgot your professional development and/or beginning of term paper. The solution is obvious, Wikipedia. While you spend the day changing every occurrence of the word “the” to “duh,” find a reason to close your blinds and contemplate your navel.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Today is a 3.14 — Do you have a power suit? No, neither do I. Consider yourself to be the CEO of whatever organization you work for. If you work from home, shout orders at some dust bunnies. You’re welcome.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Today is a 5ive — Carefully consider your next decision, maybe call in a consultant. It’s too important not to call in a consultant. Mint chocolate chip or oreo swirl. The clock is ticking.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Today is a day in August — You will be surprised today when that specific patch of grass is no longer where you thought it was. Your day is filled with boring surprises. I’m sorry.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Today is an -20 — Cooperate with everyone you meet today, and say yes to everything. Before you know it, you’ll be slated for the first manned mission to Mars in 2018. Bon Voyage!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Today is a duck — Your life is about to change completely because you will take on new challenges, lose previous challenges, and claim ownership over other people’s dogs. Calm down, you’re scaring people.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Today is a tiger — You’ve been sitting on that one direction round the world trip for too long. Now is the time. Leave. When you return your rent will be 35 dollars higher.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Today is a duck and a tiger — You’re gonna be rich by your standards, use that money to attract someone special. This time next year you’ll have an awkward coffee meeting with them where you wonder why you liked each other in the first place. You will see something orange today.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Today is a Tom Hanks film — Your day is filled with vaguely good feelings, culminating in a kiss. You might dance on a large piano or face down all of Nazi Germany with your Band of Brothers. One thing’s for sure, Today is BIG!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Today is a the diameter of a large pizza from Dominos — You are a perfectionist, so you better fix everything. The fate of the world depends on it. Right angles, yes, good, right angles. IS THAT A FUCKING CRUMB!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Today is. — I wish you had a more exciting day ahead of you. Meh, it happens to the best of days. Your day will be truly uninspiring, unless…