Megan Fox hasn’t strayed much from her classic starlet look over the years (see the above photo from the Golden Globes in 2011). Photos from on set for her new movie, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2”, suggest that she might be moving in a new direction. What do you think, is Megan’s new look an improvement? We think she’s aging gracefully but aging nonetheless.
Megan Fox studying lines while on set for her new film “Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles 2.”
Our fashion correspondent, Guy Fox, has found the best dressed rioters from Baltimore. Guy reminds us that social disobedience isn’t just an opportunity to express your dissatisfaction with the police industrial complex, but a public forum to show your personal style.
“This is a reminder to keep it simple and comfortable. The grey cotton hoodie under the olive green military inspired jacket is casual but classic. The lighter fade jeans are hot right now with people moving away from dark washes. Overall – seasonally on point.”
“I predict that Army Surplus is going to have a hard time keeping these gas masks in stock. Very edgy. Dystopian with an imperial storm trooper profile. Perfectly timed with the new Star Wars’ trailers. Don’t be surprised to see this look on the summer runways.”
“Let’s not forget Baltimore’s finest. Everybody likes a man in uniform, even if that uniform is riot gear. The shin guards give a sporty feel, and the transparent shields with ‘Police’ graphic offer are an interesting accessory. Helmets are a super hip head gear and complete the sport motif. All black is classic but I can see this in a camouflage pattern or white.”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. — “‘Some Nights’ is my jam!” said DUMBO denizen Paul Showalter. “Those stacked vocals, tribal drumming, and guitar solo outro – fucking sweet. Fun. is the most original band on the top 40 right now. I mean, tell me who else sounds like them? Nobody.”
The Tattler asked Mr. Showalter if he had ever listened to the British band Queen.
“Is that the band who did ‘We Will Rock You’ and the song that’s in ‘Wayne’s World’? Yeah, not a big fan. Freddy Mercury was too theatrical for my taste. No, I prefer more straight forward rock bands, like Fun.”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
HOLLYWOOD, CA. — The family of actor Joaquin Phoenix has requested that he not attend any holiday gatherings this season, citing his total lack of respect for bathroom fixtures.
“Last Thanksgiving he totally trashed our bathroom,” said Rain Phoenix, sister of Joaquin. “He excused himself after two pieces of pumpkin pie, and 10 minutes later my son tells me that water is pouring out from beneath the bathroom door. I knocked thinking something was wrong, and Joaquin casually said, ‘Come in.’ He stood there, smoking a cigarette, as water sprayed from the place where a sink and toilet used to be.”
Initially the family felt Rain was overreacting, however, even professional collaborator and brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, voted to freeze the Oscar nominated actor out of the season’s festivities.
“Joaquin and I have a great relationship. We really went through hell together making and then explaining a mockumentary about his meltdown and rap career. And I get how hard it is to let go of character after immersing yourself in a role. All that being said, he totally ripped the sprayer thing in my kitchen sink completely out. We were talking about the Yankees pitching staff and out of nowhere he grabs the nozzle and starts pulling, the hose comes flying out, then he strangles himself with it, tosses it on the floor, wrestles it like a python, and finally stomps the nozzle into plastic shards.”
Mr. Phoenix came to the Tattler offices to be interviewed for this article. He remained mute throughout the meeting, hiding his piercing gaze behind black Wayfairer sunglasses. When asked if he felt his exile was warranted he laughed and shook his head, pushed his chair back, walked over to the Keurig and calmly made a cup of dark roast, proving yet again what enigma he truly is.
Joaquin for Best Actor 2012!
Will Meinen | The Tattler
LONDON — The film blamed for riots across the Arab world and the deaths of four American diplomats is being derided by Muslim artists, but not for the reasons one would think.
“‘The Innocence of Muslims’ is a terrible film,” said cinematographer and editor Haroun Al Shamie. “I don’t mean the offensive content, I’m talking about the production value. It looks like it was shot on a first-generation flip cam and edited by a primary school student. I mean who synced the audio on that thing? It’s like a watching street copy of “Rush Hour” overdubbed in Arabic.”
Female Filmmaker, Ahlam Bahar, was equally offended by just how poorly executed the film was, as well as the amount of funding it received.
“I have been looking for investors for a script about an Egyptian girl who chooses a career over the traditional roles of wife and mother for two years now. I have the actors, the production staff, and have even discussed distribution possibilities in the United States, but I can’t get it made because no one will put up the money. And now this hack from America somehow raises $100,000 to make a piece of crap movie about how the Prophet was a homosexual and an advocate of child slavery. It’s maddening.”
Video artists from Libya have put out a short film to eulogize the life of J. Christopher Stevens, a well respected Ambassador who was thoughtful and sensitive to Libyan culture.
“In just one weekend, with no money at all, using a Canon 4D camera, a Zoom recorder, and Final Cut, we made a professional short that looks and sounds good and has a message,” said a representative of the film. “See, is that so hard whoever made that laughable piece of horse manure that has inflamed extremists around the globe?”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
THE INTERNET, USA — Huffington Post, the leader in capturing news from actual journalistic sources and re-publishing under their banner, has recently featured a spate of articles showing celebrity side-boob. The photo slide shows have been so popular that CEO and media mogul, Arrianna Huffington, has announced the launch of a new venture: sideboob.com.
No longer will you have to simultaneously process the rise of terrorism in Yemen, nuclear proliferation in the Middle East, and the most- recent red carpet wardrobe faux pas.
“Our readers have shown that they harbor a great deal of interest in the sides of celebrity’s breasts,” said Huffington. “In response to our recent analytics, we have decided to feature the profile of female fun bags on a separate site.”
Some readers, however, are less than thrilled about the change.
Barbara Watts from Chicago found the pictures of the “tit picks,” as she named them, a welcome distraction from the jarring and disappointing news of the world.
“So many terrible and upsetting things are happening around the world,” Said Watts. “I liked that I could read about the criminal trial of former Liberian President, Charles Taylor, then follow it up with a peak at the natural sag in the left breast of Scarlett Johansen. Side boob is like an intellectual and emotional palette cleanser.”
Despite some readers’ reservations, Arianna plans to move forward with her plans to provide comprehensive coverage of famous people intentionally or unintentionally displaying the sides of their boobs. Each photo series will include as many angles as possible of the offending boob, some so close up that you won’t be able to tell what body part is being highlighted.
The photographic content on the site will not be limited to boobs alone. The sides of pregnant bellies will also be prominently featured (side baby), as well as great bikini bodies, not so great bikini bodies, and casual outfits worn by otherwise elegant people on their way to and from the grocery store or gym.
Will Meinen | The Tattler
LOS ANGELES, CA — TLC, formerly The Learning Channel, has added a new program to its summer lineup. From the network that brought you two of the more successful reality shows, “Toddlers & Tiaras” and “Hoarding: Buried Alive,” comes a very exciting concept: “Toddler Hoarders: Buried and Newly Alive.”
Executive producer for the new venture, Jeff Collins, is excited to explore the hidden lives of toddlers who are incapable of parting with their possessions.
“It’s not just adults who struggle with the addiction of hoarding,” said Collins. “Children can suffer the same affliction, to the detriment of their family and friends.”
In the pilot episode, three-year-old Mary Jane Himple from North Greenwich, Connecticut, struggles to part with clothes that no longer fit, toys she no longer plays with, books she no longer reads, and other vestiges of her past as an infant.
“She has every bottle nipple she ever fed from,” her teary-eyed Mother, Donna Himple, explained to the camera. “I tried to give her onesies to my sister, who had a girl of her own, and she totally fell apart. She had a panic attack. She’s now seeing a psychiatrist who has her on 20mg of Zoloft at the moment. We’re hoping that it will balance her out so that we can dispose of some of the cloth bibs and tiny tennis shoes that are taking up space in the hall closet.”
The TLC team sent an organizational consultant and developmental psychologist to the Himple’s home. Psychologist Jane Stencil conducted a private interview with the child to determine the severity of her issue.
“It’s obvious to me that Mary Jane longs for a simpler time. The reason she can’t part with her early drawings, dried out markers, and broken crayons is that they represent a period in her development where she felt safe and supported. Now she is walking, required to make some decisions on her own, and asked to communicate her thoughts using words, so naturally she feels overwhelmed. It’s not the things, it’s what those things represent.”
Mary Jane did not seem troubled at all by her hoarding behavior as she danced for the camera while giving Stencil a tour of her room. From floor to the wainscoting were stuffed animals, dolls, crusty binkies, and moldy baby bottles, all stacked on her old crib, changing table, and rocking chair.
“I love my woom (room),” yelled the excited toddler.
“You notice how the child pronounced ‘room?'” asked the psychologist to the camera. “Womb? Mary is clearly trying to return to the womb. The last place she felt truly safe. But when you think about it, aren’t we all?”
“I’m not,” replied Mary’s 11-year-old brother Max. “I just want some attention. I’m thinking about pretending not to focus on my studies to get some pills like Mary. I want to be sick, too. It seems to be the only thing that anybody cares about around here.”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
LOS ANGELES — Weekend two of the progressive music and arts festival Coachella had several memorable moments. The Black Keys’ memorial to The Band’s Levon Helm was poignant. What had the Empire Polo Club abuzz, however, was the prospect of seeing hologram Tupac perform with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. Instead of the dead rapper joining the two legends on “Hail Mary,” a hologram of Dwight D. Eisenhower delivered lines from his famous Military Industrial Complex speech.
“You all ready for this shit?” Dr. Dre asked the sun drenched youth of southern California. “Yeah that’s right, back from the grave to drop some knowledge on ya— I like Ike!”
The figure of the 34th President crackled to life, standing at attention. The World War II general began to stalk the stage in a khaki military uniform, his right hand gripping the mic like Bob Dole holding a pencil.
“Together we must learn how to compose differences, not with arms, but with intellect and decent purpose,” declared Eisenhower.
“Yeah. For shizzle,” agreed Snoop.
“As we peer into society’s future, we — you and I, and our government — must avoid the impulse to live only for today, plundering, for our own ease and convenience, the precious resources of tomorrow.”
“You hearing this shit,” yelled Dre as he nodded his head.
Hologram Eisenhower removed his shirt to reveal an impressive torso for a 71-year-old politician. ‘Military Life’ was tattooed across his pale, soft belly. Hologram Eisenhower went on to trade lines with the 90’s rap icons to the confusion of the mostly early 20’s crowd.
As the former President disappeared from the stage, a college student wearing neon-colored sunglasses was overheard explaining to a friend that he was pretty sure the hologram was of Jack Nicholson from “A Few Good Men.”
You can’t handle the truth, Coachella.
The Tattler | Will Meinen
OMAHA, Neb. — Results of a Gallup opinion poll show that 90 percent of Americans now believe controversial radio host Rush Limbaugh to be a total dick.
“I always thought he was just a very opinionated and passionate small government conservative,” said Bill Myers of Norfolk, Virginia. “After this incident with the girl from Georgetown though, I think he might just be a prick.”
Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown law student who testified to Congress regarding the need for birth control to be covered under new health care mandates, was deemed a ‘slut’ by Limbaugh during his radio program on February 29.
A sample of 2,562 adults over the age of 25 were contacted via phone and asked if they thought Limbaugh had gone too far in his criticisms of Ms. Fluke. A majority of the respondents, 85 percent, felt that it was wrong to refer to Fluke as a hooker who believes that taxpayers should underwrite her sexual promiscuity. Of the remaining 15 percent — 8 percent did not own a car radio, and the last 7 percent asked for Ms. Fluke’s number.
“It was way over the line to suggest that Ms. Fluke was a harlot who didn’t want to pay for contraception,” said Molly Fife of Oklahoma City, OK. “Not only did he act like a total douchebag, he made a number of statements that suggest a basic misunderstanding of contraception. Does he not understand that the pill is not the equivalent to the male condom? You take the pill whether you’re having sex or not. No man is just wearing a condom over his limp penis every day. Ignorant dickhole.”
The Gallup survey included anchoring questions to register respondent’s opinions of the influential media personality before and after his controversial remarks. Of those who responded, 40 percent rated Limbaugh as “Class ‘A’ Jerk” before the birth control debate. That 40 percent reported even greater negative feelings about the double-chinned shock jock after his remarks last week, almost all of them choosing the response option “Giant Fuckwad” to describe Limbaugh.
The remaining 60 percent described Limbaugh in open-ended response questions as “socially conservative,” “partisan,” and “argumentative” before the Fluke event. Those same Americans now consider him to be “dick-ish,” “dick-like,” “kind of a prick,” and “a bit of an asshole.”
The fallout of Limbaugh’s on air attacks against Ms. Fluke has serious financial consequences for his programming. Advertisers have pulled their financial support in protest. ProFlowers, an online florist, was the most recent company to distance themselves from Limbaugh professionally, causing one to wonder where Rush will get discount flowers next time he insults his wife during her menstrual cycle.
Will Meinen | The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — The National Organization for Women (NOW) has organized a boycott this holiday season of the classic duet “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” The song, penned by Frank Loesser in 1936, has been recorded by famous vocal pairings ranging from Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Jordan, to Robert Palmer and Carnie Wilson.
The song’s theme is a classic cat and mouse game, with the cat plying his catch with alcohol in hopes of fucking it. NOW Director of Operations, Susan Tischner, has encouraged her fellow activists concerned with women’s issues to join in boycotting the song’s playback in malls, banks, coffee shops, and on Christmas satellite radio stations.
“The song is the perfect example of a man not taking ‘no’ for an answer,” said Tischner. “I mean, the female protagonist gives several good reasons for leaving: the worsening weather, her sister’s peace of mind, her reputation, and the man counters each with a meteorological fear campaign and offers of more laced, hot-spiced wine. It’s pathetic when you think about it.”
Several high profile women’s rights organizations have followed NOW’s lead and joined the boycott, including the National Partnerships for Women and Families, and the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.
“We stand by all women,” said Director of Programming at the Resource Center, “in their attempts to stave off the advances of men who think that we would sleep with them if it weren’t for our prudishness and religious principles. We really do have to get up early tomorrow for work.”
When asked by men across the country what would be an appropriate approach to asking a woman to stay over without being pushy, NOW referred men to the lyrics of Bob Dylan’s “If You Gotta Go, Go Now.”
Included below are a sample of the lyrics to “Baby It’s Cold Outside” so that you may decide for yourself: Christmas classic or blueprint for date rape.
I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go ‘way (Baby, it’s cold outside)
The evening has been (I’ve been hopin’ that you’d drop in)
So very nice (I’ll hold your hand, they’re just like ice)
My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)
And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)
So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)
The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)
I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
I oughtta say no, no, no sir (You mind if I move in closer)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (And what’s the sense in hurting my pride)
I really can’t stay (Oh baby, don’t hold out)
Oh, but it’s cold outside
Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — Is there anything this guy can’t do? James Franco is a movie star, a published writer, an aspiring video auteur and installment artist, and a PhD student at Yale. Aside from his enormous failure at the Oscar’s, he’s the last son of Krypton. Well, hold on to your copies of “Milk,” because you can now add medical professional in the third world to the list of James Franco accomplishments. According to The New England Journal of Medicine the actor has decided to volunteer with Doctors Without Borders/Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF).
“I have been so fortunate in my career, I feel it’s time to give something back,” said Franco with a charming grin. “I thought about just donating money to the organization, but realized, ‘I’m James Franco.’ What’s a better way to give back than to take night classes and become a surgeon?”
MSF President Mathew Sptizer was enthusiastic about having the high-profile Hollywood star align himself with the organization. His enthusiasm decreased considerably after learning of Franco’s intentions.
“Mr. Franco is clearly a very ambitious and intelligent individual,” praised Spitzer. “However, our volunteers are highly trained professionals with at least a decade of schooling and residency. Mr. Franco would benefit our organization best by lending his celebrity to the cause or by offering a financial donation.”
The star of “Pineapple Express” sees it differently.
“I understand Mr. Spitzer’s skepticism. My advisor at Yale didn’t think it possible for me to pursue a doctorate while acting full time and hosting the Oscars, but I have been able to juggle all of my responsibilities. I think the best way for me to assist the people of Sub-Saharan Africa is to repair their cleft palates myself.”
Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
THE ETHER, Space — Jesus, Yahweh, the Son of God, was overheard lamenting to the archangels the unfairness of his fate. “I didn’t have to die, especially like that! I think I could have done a lot of good if they’d let me stick around. Built churches, helped the poor, stopped more stoning. In retrospect I took things a touch too far.”
“If only I had put the Romans off the trail for awhile by being philosophically less sympathetic to the poor. The meek shall inherit the portions of the earth not desired by the ruling class, like North Dakota. Beatitudes with less ‘attitude.'”
The approach Jesus was outlining for an annoyed group of angels (Jesus is such a whiner) was perhaps best executed by Bob Dylan.
The protest singer, voice of his generation, Bobby Zimmerman, had become the spokesperson for the 60’s peace movement. It appeared he got just what he was aiming for, but didn’t like the bullshit that came along with speaking truth to power. In order to stop ‘fans’ from interrupting morning coffee at his private residence in Woodstock, Dylan released a real stinker of a record— “Self Portrait.” Take that you free loving hippies!
And so Bob Dylan became a fledgling great, forsaking his talent for little peace and quiet.
Which brings us back to Jesus.
“Yes, Bob Dylan’s ‘Self Portrait’! Exactly, Zepher. That’s what I’m talking about. Bobby learned one fundamental truth from my execution, which is that the way humanity shows its appreciation for earthly greatness is by killing you! What fascinating and enlightening suppositions Socrates and Hus! Dead. Non-violent resistance you say King Jr.? Dead. Give peace a chance, I think I’ll side with violence, Sir Lennon.”
Jesus went on to describe several modifications he could have made to his miracles in order to continue drawing breath (e.g. feed only half the masses with loaves and fish, walk on water yet trip while walking up the stairs, convert water to only Boone’s Farm). The angels found his historical revisionism exhausting, and slowly peeled off from the group citing needs to pick up dry cleaning and attend manicure appointments.
*This post is dedicated to the great Bill Hicks.
Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – Following a three program long assault on the character and motives of billionaire activist George Soros, FOX pundit Glenn Beck fell ill with an assortment of symptoms on Thursday. Beck staffers attributed Beck’s lethargy to exhaustion resulting from the research and testicular size required to produce a Peter Jackson length investigation of Soros’ web of covert, international manipulation. Staffers’ concerns elevated when the Mormon convert spent an entire evening incapacitated with dysentery “as aggressive as the President’s economic stimulus efforts,” as one colleague put it.
Upon the insistence of his inner circle (wife, physician, and church elders) Beck made an appointment with a gastroenterologist. Nurses presiding over the conservo-libertarian sage’s colonoscopy report that “as the patient was fading from consciousness he could be heard muttering, ‘Popper, evil, open society should be closed, must….protect…the Republic.'”
A groggy Beck did his best to follow the explanation of the results of his procedure. “What we’re saying mister Beck,” intoned the physician, “is that we biopsied a polyp from the wall of your large intestine. We are sending it to pathology to see if it is an adenocarcinoma, which is to say cancerous.”
The message passed through the fog of narcotics like Conan the Barbarian slowly alluding the Man Eaters of Zamboula. “What, what is my prognosis if it is….cancerous?” whispered the pale entertainer. “Well, quite good,” responded the confident and well paid specialist. “We caught things pretty early. More concerning is the… well….. shall we say shape of the polyp.”
Beck looked bedeviled, as though a Congressman from Texas had just revealed, on air, that he enjoyed eating baby robin omelettes with lobbyists from K street. He shook his tuber shaped head looking for guidance from his wife, who did her best to hide the tears collecting in the corner of her eyes. “You see when we looked at a computer-enhanced image of the polyp, we saw a face, and it wasn’t Joseph Smith,” explained the doctor. “The face is of a geriatric Jewish man of Eastern decent. We think that it’s….well it’s George Soros.”
Beck confessed that he feared something like this might happen. He knew there were risks in shining such a bright light on the happenings of the 35th wealthiest man in the world and master marionette. In fact, a day before the broadcast, Soros’ number two man met with his number two man (Ed: Beck’s words, not mine) to suggest a reconciliation. When Beck’s assistant showed no intentions of censoring the antisemitic polemics, Soros’ representative threatened that his boss would be ‘up Glenn Beck’s ass’ when this thing was over. Of course none of the FOX staffers took the threat literally.
Yet there staring back at him in a 8″ x 10″ glossy provided by his specialist, was the menacing grimace of the octogenarian Dr. Evil, the Prince of Financial Paradigms, and an advocate of legalizing marijuana (the Tattler staff thanks you, sir).
Soros' influence knows no bounds!
How could this have happened? How could a man implant his visage on the wall of another man’s colon, and be potentially cancerous to boot? This was a campaign of fear the likes of which Beck did not anticipate. “Perhaps calls for boycotts from organizations on the billionaire’s payroll, or a roughing up in the bathroom of an Irish pub, but not THIS,” whined the chronic martyr.
“I have something to report freedom lovers; this is not easy for me, although I am not known to be a man of great pride. Ladies and gentlemen, George Soros has invaded by posterior. That’s right, his influence now reaches as far as my sigmoid. That is not a Freudian reference.” Despite a potential ratings bonanza Beck refused to be more specific on air.
Glenn sat contemplative on his leather sectional while watching the Knicks in HD. What he wouldn’t do for a glass of shimmering amber colored Jameson at a time like this. He missed the sound of the melting ice bouncing against the sides of the glass as he raised it to his anxious maw. In the background he heard the phone ring and his wife answer. She walked to the living room and handed him the black cordless. “It’s the doctor,” she said while gently touching his shoulder.
“Hello,” he croaked, and then cleared his throat.
“Mr. Beck?” the doctor asked.
“Yes, this is him.”
“We got your test results back. The polyp is benign. You don’t have cancer. I would like to take another look in 6 months just to make sure, but otherwise you are healthy.”
Deep breath, fighting back tears, visions of watching his children graduate from college. “Thank you, that is great news.”
The Becks embraced in front of the picture window and decided to celebrate reprieve from the haunting figure of death with Bryer’s strawberry ice cream. In front of their home a black limousine with tinted windows slowly pulled away from the curb. A cold shiver descended the spine of the relieved ringmaster; the wind whispered the name never to be spoken again- Sooooorrrrrros.
Madea don't play.
Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – Robert Sykes swears that not having any friends of color in no way makes him a racist. “I like people of all colors: black, brown, yellow, purple, indigo (the Na’vi). Just because I don’t have any African Americans to my house for a barbecue doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to, I just don’t know where to meet one….I mean them……black people.”
Sykes works as a business project manager at Mutual of Omaha, and while he has a handful of colleagues that contribute to the organizations diversity goals, none of them work directly on his team. “I just think it would be weird for me to approach Ken Lannon on the district sales team and invite him to my house for a beer. If he asked what prompted the invitation, given that we don’t really work together directly, I would have to explain that I don’t have any friends of color. I mean how would I like it if somebody asked me to a movie to meet a quota for friends who had bowled a perfect game, which I did in 1992.”
Sykes has found a replacement for a diverse friend group- he watches Tyler Perry movies. “The character of Madea has become a real hit in our house,” explained Sykes. “We finally understand why black people are such sassy Christians fond of homespun wisdom and cracking wise. Also everyone in our family feels less guilty for not knowing anyone intimately who isn’t white. What a relief to find that media is a replacement for real relationships.”
On a recent Saturday night the Sykes family settled in to the living room with popcorn and Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia to watch Meet the Browns. The film’s protagonist, a single woman struggling to make ends meet for her family living in the Chicago projects, struck a chord with Mrs. Sykes. “Like Brenda, I recently lost my job. While I don’t have three children from three different fathers, and never would for heaven’s sake, her feelings of helplessness are something all of us can understand. Helplessness and an attraction to Rick Fox.”
The wacky Brown family had everyone in stitches and good spirits. After the film the Sykes took a moment to recap their favorite characters. “I liked Brenda’s unpredictable Latina friend,” chimed the 12-year-old Brenda. “I have a schoolmate who knows a Latina girl and she says that you can’t trust Lupita to wander your house unobserved. I wish I knew someone like that!”
Little Charlie had nothing but good things to say about Mr. Brown and his zany attire. “He looked like a clown, or a golfer or something. I can’t imagine wearing anything that isn’t khaki or blue, but he didn’t seem to care what anybody thought. He was totally shameless!”
Mr. Sykes spent a little extra time tucking in his children that evening. Sometimes it takes the struggles of a fictional family is like yours, yet so different, to make you truly grateful for what you have. Perspective is one of the great gifts Madea et. al. had given him, that and the ability to excuse the use of ethnic stereotypes with the caveat, “some of my best friends are Tyler Perry characters.”
Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – In the same vain as the O.C., NYC, and Atlanta Real Housewives reality shows, the Bravo network is planning an Omaha series. Casting agents are looking for upper crust UHB Midwestern gals with big houses and well medicated children. The producers envision a scenario in which women from markets up to 250,000 residents will see the lifestyles of Omaha riche as exotic yet reachable, and markets above the aforementioned threshold as a simulacrum of wealth and therefore equally novel.
Casting agents have spent much of their time at Village Point shopping center, Whole Foods, and the Life Time Fitness on 170th and Center. Five of the women approached and screened have signed releases that allow every mundane word they speak to be videotaped for posterity, and shot into space to warn interstellar travelers of our intentions to dull their senses with machinations on dance squad politics and Versace sunglasses. The cast of ‘Real Housewives of Omaha’ include the following:
Deborah Cain – Married to a First National executive, has 2 children (Ric and Llisa, with 2 ‘Ls’). Deborah volunteers for Open Door Mission, serves on the board at the Child Saving Institute, and wears heels to the grocery store.
Lisa Chang – Only Asian in name, divorced and childless, immigrated from Southern California. Moved to Omaha while still married to a former NFL place kicker who now works as VP of Marketing for Netshops. Lisa can’t believe she is here, but plans to make the best of it by drinking heavily.
Mary Meinen – Heir to the Runza restaurant fortune. Married to a corporate lawyer with a propensity for tall blondes, of which Mary is not. She knows the son of a bitch is cheating but likes her lake house in Okoboji and tennis at the Omaha Country Club. Besides, having a mistress keeps her hubby waiting for the other shoe to drop, and leaves him less likely to challenge monthly credit card bills.
Jan List – Dermatologist, single and happy. She drinks whatever is hot at the time, cosmo, mojito, microbrew, sleeps late on weekends, reads the New Yorker, drinks French press coffee, has a Facebook account, multiple vibrators, and voted the Democratic ticket last election.
Beth Pearson – Graduated from Creighton with a business degree, she and her husband flipped houses during the boom. They are currently looking for day jobs and wondering what to do with their H2.
The Real Housewives of Omaha will debut during February sweeps. The Tattler asked producer Barry Schifler if a program featuring the extravagance and relatively flaccid economic concerns of the well off would resonate during a recession/depression/meltdown. Schifler responded, “Now more than ever people need an outlet to live vicariously the good fortune of others. If you can’t sleep with Angelina Jolie, the next best thing is to watch someone else. Note to self: procure fornication footage of Brangelina body doubles. Now if you will excuse me, I have a car waiting to drive me to a private air strip…I’m going to Thailand!”