Submitted to the Tattler by the Holy Father, Pope Francis, on this day the 3oth of July, 2013
Vatican City — It has come to my attention that people, non-Catholics no doubt, around the globe have been updating their Facebook status with my quote, “Who am I to judge the lives of gay people?” I’ll ignore the fact that there were several limitations to this edict as as expressed to the Brazilian press. But really, can’t the Pope use sarcasm as a rhetorical device? Must I be forever earnest and occasionally Socratic depending on my audience?
Putting aside the limitations imposed on my approach to preaching, who am I to judge? I’m the Holy freaking father that’s who! Judging is in fact my job.
I thought my use of sarcasm was obvious based on my inflection but perhaps I need to to eschew nuance and lay it on thick. What I meant to say was:
Who am I to judge the sexual preference of my flock and priests? It’s not like I’m God’s representative on earth or anything. No, I’m not going to pass judgement on the morality of human behavior, I’ll leave that to the mainstream media, the whims of culture, and an individual’s sense of right and wrong. I don’t care if a Catholic priest is gay; I’m only the source that legitimates the act of transubstantiation, ritual of the mass and holy sacraments. I’m but a figurehead with a fancy hat and see through car, no different from the Queen of England or the GEICO Lizard. “Boxers or briefs, Pope Francis?,” asks a reporter from SPIN magazine. “Do you have a Droid or an iPhone, Holy Father,?” queries some nerd from Wired.
Jesus, what a mess. I’ll be in my quarters if Rolling Stone calls about next month’s cover.
Will Meinen | The Tattler
GREECE, N.Y. — Karen Klein, an elderly bus monitor for the Greece School District, has received an outpouring of support after a video of her being harassed by middle school students went viral. The video was recorded and posted by one of the little bastards, and immediately condemned by nearly everyone who watched. The police and school district were involved, and the families of the aggressors have received death threats.
“It is shocking to me that middle school students would be so cruel to a grandmother and school district employee,” said the Superintendent of Greece schools in a statement to the Board of Education. “Bullying and intimidation will not be allowed in our schools.”
Not everyone was shocked by the display of cruelty and disrespect, especially a number of middle school students who have chosen to speak out.
“Kids my age are assholes,” explained 12-year-old New York Public student, Kyle Greer. “The stuff those kids said to that old lady is just another day on the playground for me. My cat died last week and a classmate told me that the cat probably killed itself because my feet smell like old possum farts. My mom bought me charcoal insoles for my shoes to help with the smell. I just sweat a lot, okay!”
A campaign was started for Ms. Klein, a grandmother of eight, to raise money to send her on a nice vacation. The campaign has yielded enough funds for the woman to retire from the school district.
“People are giving that lady so much money just because kids were mean to her,” said seventh grader Lisa McBrian. “If I was given five dollars every time a group of girls called me fat, I’d be a millionaire.”
Ms. Klein has appeared on several talk shows in response to the attention the incident has received. She has chosen not to press charges, instead requesting a meeting with her abusers to inquire about the motivation for their behavior.
“Why were those kids so insensitive?” Peter Chang asked rhetorically. “Because they are jerks. Why is everyone making this so complicated? My parents gave me a perfectly American first name and still classmates make fun of my heritage. They call me ‘Ching Chang.’ Or they ask when I have time to do homework because I’m probably always watching ‘Rush Hour.’ No, I don’t know karate, but I wish I did; maybe I wouldn’t get made fun of so much.”
Unfortunately, we were not able to include all salient comments we received from middle school students from across the country. Other students that were not surprised by the outrageous behavior on the bus that day: the kid with divorced parents, the asthmatic, the early developing girl, the poor kid with only one school outfit, the new kid, and the Sudanese boy who hardly speaks English.
Oedipus the King | The Tattler
THEBES, Greece — Happy Valentine’s Day, morons! ‘Isn’t love grand’ one thinks as they peruse online for the perfect gift signaling a bond eternal. Roses, teddy bears, teddy bears with hearts stitched to plush paws, mylar balloons, chocolates, perfume, blah, blah, blah. Mere mortals we are fumbling in the morass with the illusion of self-determination, all while the Gods cackle at our pathetic attempts to outsmart horrible fates.
When I was an infant, my mother jettisoned me to woods, deaf to my cries, hoping to avoid a prophecy of patricide. Unfortunately, in doing she ensured the accuracy of the oracle’s prediction, thereby making the Queen complicit in the death of her King! I left my home haunted by the same prophecy, but with the additional shame of incest and tortured progeny, only to kill a royal traveler who was in fact my father and then entered into a marriage with that man’s wife — my Mother!
Now friends and co-workers at the airport where I shine shoes inquire, ‘Why the long face, Oedipus? Aren’t you a fan of Valentine’s Day? Cheer up already.”
Cheer up! Eat shit, Paula who works at the Duty Free. I’m blind because I put out my own eyes with my wife-mother’s golden brooches. Do you know how devastated you have to be in order to blind yourself? You have to be totally destroyed by a turn of tragic events. In short you have to be a Patricidal Mother-Fucker. Don’t you dare make a “Pulp Fiction” joke, Barry the Delta ticket agent!
Love ruined my life. If I hadn’t met Queen Jocasta I never would have had to complete that awful prophecy. At worst I would have just struggled with the knowledge that I had accidentally killed my Father who I never knew. But Jocasta was so beautiful and kind that I fell for her immediately. It truly was love at first sight. Oh why do so many love related tropes make reference to the sense I no longer have available? Why not ‘Love is absent any foul odor,’ or ‘Love is smooth and velvety to the touch,’ or ‘Love sounds like Grammy award winning Adele.”
Love has taken away my pride, my vision, my family, and left me working at an International airport. Now I spend most days eating rubbery sandwiches and shining the shoes of German economists that insist upon austerity measures in order to maintain Greece’s European Union status. Perhaps our economic woes are the result of some yet unearthed curse.
If it pleases the nation, I volunteer to approach Apollo at Pythia to inquire, “Dear Apollo, who’s Mother must someone unfuck to reinstate our lavish public benefits?”
Pardon the pun, but it seems anymore that the world’s economy is a case of the blind leading the blind.