Will Meinen | The Tattler
WASHINGTON, D.C. — 3-D makes everything more palatable. A new study released by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) finds that employees respond best to a firing if the news is delivered with 3-D video. The research was commissioned by a consortium of the largest employers in the country who are looking for more efficient and less painful methods for firing large numbers of employees.
“We created three experimental conditions,” explained one of the primary investigators. “In the first, the employee was fired by his/her supervisor and a human resource specialist. In the second, the employee was fired by a human mannequin with a tape recorder shoved in its mouth, and in the final condition the employee was gathered with a group of confederates (undercover research assistants) and shown a 3-D movie explaining their employment status and benefits package.”
To the surprise of the research team, the employees fired in the 3-D video condition displayed the lowest amount of negative emotional reactions, and the lowest immediate drop in global self-esteem.
“It wasn’t so bad being fired in 3-D,” said subject 15. “I had the cool wayfarer style glasses, I was with a group of people all having the same experience; they even gave us popcorn. It was like watching a summer blockbuster, but instead of aliens trying to take over planet earth I was being told that I no longer had employment and needed to clear out my desk immediately.”
“The coolest part of the whole video is when the cobra flew out of the screen while explaining my insurance options post-employment,” said subject 6. “At first I was totally freaked. Whoa, venomous snake! Then I got the joke, a cobra explaining COBRA coverage. So clever!”
After being informed that they would no longer be employed by company XYZ, the subjects were followed by one of the research confederates back to their desk to gather qualitative data on their candid thoughts.
“I was stunned,” said one of the undercover research assistants. “While they cleaned out their desk and gathered up pictures of family vacations, they prattled on about how cool the film was. When co-workers came by to offer consolation they maintained a positive attitude, often interrupting the conversation to relay details of the film. One of the subjects even asked if they could keep the glasses. You just got fired and you want to know if you can keep the cheap, shitty 3-D glasses? Incredible!”
The response to the other two conditions, human firing and firing by mannequin, yielded less positive results when compared to the 3-D movie condition, with the mannequin condition showing the least positive results.
“I wanted to rip that stupid mannequin’s head off,” said subject 2. “Lifeless bastard with pink colored flesh telling me that I wasn’t going to be able to afford my trip to the Blackhills this summer. Where do you get off? I’m seething right now as I think about him.”
SHRM plans to release the finding of the study in their August newsletter to members and subscribers.
“Nobody likes to be let go from their job,” said SHRM President Bob Cohan. “I think the findings of our research are going to make a difficult situation far easier for corporate America.”
Will Meinen | The Tattler
MIAMI, FL — CEO of Burger King recently made controversial remarks at a company picnic about miscegenation, the mixing of different racial groups through marriage, cohabitation, or procreation. The corporate staff and their families were enjoying a free day at Disney World when CEO Bernardo Hees created a stir with his pre-meal blessing.
“I’m so glad to see all my Burger King family here today enjoying the park!” said Hees. “We have a great, classic American barbecue planned for you: burgers, brats, hot dogs and all the sides. Now I don’t know about you but I don’t like my foods to touch so we have provided you with trays that keep the beans separate from the watermelon and the potato salad from creeping in on the chocolate chip cookie. Foods should keep its distance, just like the different races. Am I right? Now let’s pray.”
Several of the BK employees kept their heads up during the blessing, searching their colleagues to validate that their boss had actually made reference to a long ago dispensed form of prejudice.
“Like, half the people prayed and ate their hot dogs like nothing happened,” said Marketing Director, Steve Hydeen. “Did they not hear the leader of our organization openly oppose mixed race couples? I was so appalled I couldn’t decide what condiments to put on my burger. Usually I’m a mustard and pickles only kind of guy, but I ended up with ketchup and sauerkraut.”
The Tattler asked the BK organization for a comment about their employment practices related to mixed race couples. Communications Director Lindsey Botger assured The Tattler that Burger King is an equal opportunity employer and does not discriminate against an employee based on their race/ethnicity or the race/ethnicity of his or her life partner.
“Mr. Hees was expressing his personal view on mixed race relationships. He thinks they are an abomination and that the Bible clearly opposes them. Something about Hittites, Canaanites, and Israelites not fraternizing, I’m not entirely sure. It doesn’t matter. We respect any employee’s right to speak freely about his or her beliefs, as long as they don’t act in violation of company policy or federal law.”
The backlash against the fast food giant has been swift. Mixed race couples participated this week at miscegenation-ins at restaurants across the country. Supporters of the CEO’s comments or his right to make them showed support by ingesting far more sodium or calories than is healthy.
Politicians and celebrities who tweeted pictures of themselves eating BK included Megan McCain, Rick Santorum, Paul Ryan, Billy Baldwin, Ted Nugent, and Gary Busey. Mr. Bussy’s agent claims that the actor new nothing about the controversy, he just enjoys tweeting pictures of himself mid chew.
Mr. Hees was also contacted by The Tattler and asked if he would like to apologize for his hurtful comments.
“Heck no,” said Hees. “We sold a ton of Whoppers this week! We’ve never done more business.”
Bill Ferris | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – Hoping to offset rising fuel prices and flagging profits, Southwest Airlines announced it will institute festival seating on all flights beginning in 2010. “Southwest is committed to providing a festival like in-flight experience for our passengers,” said Southwest Airlines CEO Gary C. Kelly. “You are now free to mosh, crowd-surf, or noodle-dance about the country.”
The largest carrier in the U.S. by passenger count has discovered that by removing all permanent seating more tickets can be sold per flight thereby increasing profits. The idea was conceived at a corporate team building meeting held in New Orleans during Mardis Gras; subsequent research at Carnaval in Brazil and Bonnaroo music festival confirmed the hypothesis that people are glad to be uncomfortably close to one another given a threshold amount of liquor and plastic beads.
To accommodate the new seating format, a chill-out area will be installed in the tail section with bean bags and Wii gaming consoles. Complimentary hacky-sacks, rhythm sticks, and beach balls will be passed out as passengers board with instructions to refrain from use until overhead lights in the shape of each object are turned off.
Beverage and snack service will reflect the festival atmosphere; fruity concoctions will be served in yard increments; southwest employees dressed like fellow passengers, but with one dyed braid standing out like a milk thistle growing amongst priaire grass, will sell an array of craft beers from Igloo coolers with their name, say “Tricky Steve” for example, written in permanent marker on masking tape stuck to the handle. In flight snacks promise to be totally tasty: kettle corn, wasabi peas, shelled pistachios, and skittles. For those in search of something more substantial, that guy with the dreadlocks in the parking lot selling vegetarian burritos is actually your co-pilot.
Flight procedure will change slightly to accomdate a new set of safety hazards. A leader will be appointed from each party; he or she must carry a tall flag bearing a family crest, sports team mascot, or alien so as to provide a point of contact for wayward family and friends. Rather than initiate new precautions in the case of turbulence, air disturbances will be re-branded as the equivalent to performing the wave at 30,000 feet. Finally, in the case of a loss of cabin pressure one very large oxygen unit will descend from the middle of the plane with numerous tubes with mask attachments. Flight attendent directions for use: puff, puff, give.
Family rights advocates have expressed concern that Southwest’s new Festival Flights do not create children friendly environments; not true says the CEO. “We have gone out of our way to provide a place to drop off kids so parents can party without guilt.” Right fucking on!
As a promotion for the inaugural Festival Flight from Denver to Cancun, Southwest is giving away the prize of 4-person round trip flights plus accommodations. To be eligible send a photo of you and your friends sucking on pacifiers waving glowsticks in geometric patterns, or wearing wizard costumes at Burning Man. Lawn seats can be purchased at the airline’s website, southwest.com, or via Ticketmaster.