OMAHA, NE — Charles Peterson effectively alienated the entire quality assurance department at Union Pacific this past week by self-identifying as a Microsoft Excel wizard.
“It’s total bullshit,” said Dave Ryan to his co-worker while eating lunch at Block 16. “Charles just started using formulas! Are you kidding? I’ve been using formulas in excel practically my whole life!”
“It’s not right,” agreed Barb Carnel. “Calling yourself something doesn’t make you that thing. I could call myself a race car driver but that doesn’t make my commute home the Indy 500.”
“Exactly,” Ryan continued. “If Charles is an Excel whiz than I’m the fucking Gandalf of Java. Which of course I’m not because I just started playing around with it.”
“The man is delusional.”
“Also, it’s super disrespectful to people who are Excel wizards. He gets to pretend to play that part, but Lisa H. can’t bail out of work early when finance complains of issues with their macros. Goddamn this is a good chicken philly.”
Mr. Ryan and Ms. Carnel returned to the office sated from eating and venting. Their rage towards Mr. Peterson was re-ignited, however, after receiving an email informing them of a non-optional Excel training to be taught by Mr. Peterson on June 26th entitled, “Intro to Excel Studies: One Man’s Struggle and Triumph.”