May I have your attention members of LA Fitness. My name is Darrell Cross and I am here to help you.
You may have seen me around the gym curling 125 lb free weights, talking to staff, or spotting someone in a tank top maxing on bench press. I work out six to eight hours, spread across three different LA Fitness locations, everyday but Sundays. Even our lord God took a day to rest.
I have seen some of you here on the regular. What up, Chris? The rest of you come and go depending on how many carbs you ate this week or the intensity of the fear that you won’t be able to attract a long term mate with your body the way it currently looks.
Those of you that are committed to your fitness goals I have already worked with on diet, a supplement regimen, and your lifting form. We have also discussed my divorce in great detail.
The rest of you need to listen because I have 20 years of unsolicited coaching experience that will change your life.
None of you know how to do squats. You are all curving your back and not going low enough. The same is true with dead lifts. If you aren’t doing those two things wrong you aren’t doing them at all. I’m not sure which is worse.
Right now I’m passing out a sheet that I want you to fill out and return to me by Friday. You need to provide for me your caloric intake for the week. What are you eating? Are you getting enough protein, too much fat, not enough vegetables? What vitamins are you taking? What about protein powder? Have you heard of anti-oxidants? Let’s talk about all of this while you are doing planks.
I know you are asking yourself, “Does Darrell work here?” No, I do not work here in an official capacity. I’m kind of like a mentor to the personal trainers, however. Also I’ve been asked to teach some classes but I don’t have time. I’ve got too many informal clients at the moment.
Okay that is all —you may return to working out. My cell number and contact information are on the sheet I handed out if you need to contact me. FYI my number will be changing on Wednesday because my ex has been harassing me for child support and I’m tired of dodging her calls.
One last thing, dude in the yellow shirt over at the free weights, I’ll be over in just a second to support your elbows and tell you to breath. Let’s do this!