Will Meinen | The Tattler
Chicago, IL — Amber Ross, a single 37-year-old woman living in Bucktown, watched fifteen minutes of American soldiers reuniting with their family and dogs at work on Monday. Amber’s boss walked into her office as tears were welling up at the sight of a Marine surprising his 8-year-old daughter at school. The University of Chicago Human Resource manager recovered quickly and closed the browser window as an Army Ranger wrestled with a yellow lab in a Lowe’s parking lot.
“As a human resource manager I’m especially sensitive to the improper use of company resources,” admitted Ross, “but lately I have felt like a shell of a woman. Nothing moves me. Not ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ not my nieces birthday party. I’m afraid that I’m dead inside, like a polished, red apple that is rotten at its core.”
Ms. Ross recently ended a 14-month relationship with an IT specialist but appeared relatively unfazed by the loss.
“She was totally fine,” said a close friend. “I mean, she was bummed out for a few days but at brunch that weekend she didn’t even need to talk about it. Instead she tried to show me a video on her phone of a solider surprising his wife at work. Does she want to date a military man? I don’t get it.”
Ross’s obsession with the returning soldier video has predictably extended to her social media accounts. Twitter followers have been bombarded with youtube links accompanied by #somoving and #lookatthedogstail and #whereismysolider.
“It’s a harmless prompt to manipulate my emotions,” said Ross. “I haven’t been in love in 10 years; I’m bored and unaffected by romantic movies and torch songs. This works for me. Now check out this video of a Navy sailor pulling into port as his wife and children in waiting cry and wave enthusiastically.”