As reported by the Kremlin
Moscow, Russia — The great and powerful leader Vladmir Putin today saved a ship carrying 75 Siberian orphans from a giant octopus. What was meant to be a day of pleasant fishing with the unmatched outdoorsman and Russian President almost turned tragic when a giant octopus emerged from the placid waters of the Laptev Sea, with a head the size of the largest turret on St. Basil’s Cathedral and tentacles so long that they easily wrapped themselves around the bow of the 640-ton fishing vessel.
The President, already shirtless, ordered the children off the deck as he tied an anchored rope to his waist. The octopus swung one of the giant arms at Putin who dodged the attack using a judo roll. The beast countered with another violent slap that missed by centimeters. The sea beast was off balance momentarily as a wave rocked the side of the vessel allowing Putin just enough time to lower the nets starboard and load the whaling harpoon.
The net confounded the monster’s movements leaving Putin ample time to deliver a monologue and devastating blow. Poised behind the whaling harpoon, soaking wet and glistening in the afternoon sun, our fearless leader jeered, “I’m sending you back to the dark depths of hell you orphan hating sea creature.”
The harpoon jettisoned from the deck of the lilting ship and found its home in the right eye of the hapless attacker. The orphans below deck, huddled together in terror, reported hearing the screams of the monster. The President began loading a second harpoon feverishly only to watch as the octopus released its hold on the ship and fade back into the sea, leaving in its a wake a frothing foam of blood and eye gush.
All went silent; the children continued to hold each other closely, fearing the worst. Suddenly a booming voice from above said, “All clear. The beast has been put down.” The orphans roared, for this news was even better than being placed with a loving family. Their true father was still alive and victorous once more.
The orphans rushed up the metal galley stairs and poured onto the deck, jumping up and down in celebration. They were safe! Father Putin had protected them from imminent danger! Each orphan in their turn ran into the arms of the President. He squatted down and easily hoisted them in the air and spun them around, their arms out and head back, giggling.
“Take us home,” ordered Putin to the weathered, one-armed captain. “Aye,” he replied while shaking his head in disbelief over the whole ordeal.
Back on land the President regaled the children with the story of his conquest over chocolate ice cream cones. He must have told the story a dozen times, because every time he finished the children in unison would plead, “Again, again!”
Russia is a great land, its people brave and strong, and its President the finest the world has ever seen. Wouldn’t you agree?