Will Meinen | The Tattler
CHICAGO, IL. — David Lefler recently gathered his friends together for a very important announcement. “You guys,” said David to a group of friends seated about his living room, “I am straight. I like women. I desire them sexually and want to one day date and then marry one.” His audience seemed unmoved by his admission.
“Anybody want something from the kitchen,” said Ben to the group after a brief silence.
“Yeah, I’ll take another Milk Stout,” replied Reg.
“More wine,” said Bethany waving her empty glass in the air.
“I already knew he was straight,” said Leah to a Tattler reporter. “I mean look at the state of his apartment and wardrobe. No one is going to confuse him for a gay man.”
“The reason I made the announcement,” explained Lefler, “is that none of my friends set me up with their female friends. I’ve been single for three years. That is a long time. I thought maybe I wasn’t getting set up because I was assumed to be gay, and my friends were being respectful of my privacy.”
“I don’t hook him up with my friends because he’s not much of a catch,” said Leah. “David has a low level IT job with little chance of advancement. He likes chain restaurant pizza, his favorite musician is Jack Johnson, and he’s never traveled outside of the United States, which he calls ‘America,’ by they way.”
As the party wound down, Lefler helped gather his guests’ coats and cleaned up glasses and bottles.
“He’ll find somebody don’t you think?” Bethany speculated aloud. The group, lost in updates to their Facebook feed remained silent.
“Our cab is here,” said Reg. “Later, Lefler,” he shouted towards the kitchen.
“He is a good, dude,” said Ben. Everyone nodded in agreement.