Will Meinen | The Tattler
HOLLYWOOD, CA. — The family of actor Joaquin Phoenix has requested that he not attend any holiday gatherings this season, citing his total lack of respect for bathroom fixtures.
“Last Thanksgiving he totally trashed our bathroom,” said Rain Phoenix, sister of Joaquin. “He excused himself after two pieces of pumpkin pie, and 10 minutes later my son tells me that water is pouring out from beneath the bathroom door. I knocked thinking something was wrong, and Joaquin casually said, ‘Come in.’ He stood there, smoking a cigarette, as water sprayed from the place where a sink and toilet used to be.”
Initially the family felt Rain was overreacting, however, even professional collaborator and brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, voted to freeze the Oscar nominated actor out of the season’s festivities.
“Joaquin and I have a great relationship. We really went through hell together making and then explaining a mockumentary about his meltdown and rap career. And I get how hard it is to let go of character after immersing yourself in a role. All that being said, he totally ripped the sprayer thing in my kitchen sink completely out. We were talking about the Yankees pitching staff and out of nowhere he grabs the nozzle and starts pulling, the hose comes flying out, then he strangles himself with it, tosses it on the floor, wrestles it like a python, and finally stomps the nozzle into plastic shards.”
Mr. Phoenix came to the Tattler offices to be interviewed for this article. He remained mute throughout the meeting, hiding his piercing gaze behind black Wayfairer sunglasses. When asked if he felt his exile was warranted he laughed and shook his head, pushed his chair back, walked over to the Keurig and calmly made a cup of dark roast, proving yet again what enigma he truly is.
Joaquin for Best Actor 2012!