Will Meinen | The Tattler
HUNTSVILLE, TX. — A jury not of its peers voted unanimously to deliver the harshest of punishments, the death penalty, to a meatloaf. The meatloaf was responsible for the death of rancher Bill McGovern of Huntsville who choked on the meal cooked by his wife of 36 years, Margaret. It was a family recipe handed down several generations. It was the coriander and roasted carrots that gave it a unique flavor and texture. Margaret had always told her hard-working, salt-of-the-earth to chew his food thoroughly and slow down. He had never heeded her advice and now he is dead.
“I was out in the garden pruning the tomato plants,” testified the wife of the deceased while on the stand. “I came in to get bug spray and Bill was on the floor not breathing. I tried to revive him, but I couldn’t! I didn’t realize he was choking on my grandmother’s famous meatloaf, a dish that had brought me some much joy.”
The jury was visibly moved by the widow’s recounting of that fateful day. The defendant sat motionless on the table next to the seated and resigned defense attorney.
Sources close to the DA of 10 years, Steve Michaels, admitted to being skeptical about his client’s chances. There was no disputing the facts: the meatloaf had been removed from the victims throat. The cause of death was clearly due to a restriction of the airway. The only issue unresolved was motive. Why? Why would a hearty meal take the life of an upstanding member of the community: an entrepreneur, father, and member of the NRA.
The defense approach taken by Mr. Michaels was based on the idea that the state has no authority to expose a inanimate object to the human justice system.
Michaels outlined his defense in his closing arguments.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My client is a food item composed of ground beef, spices, and egg, transformed by human ingenuity and heat. I concede that my client did in fact cause the death of Bill McGovern, a stand up guy as we have heard testified in the courtroom over the course this trial. But a meatloaf is not a person. It doesn’t have a soul, it doesn’t have intention, and it can’t be held responsible for choking a man to death. It’s a tragic situation, but ladies and gentlemen, you can’t punish food. I beg of you to let my client return to where it belongs, a refuse heap. Thank you.”
Bedlam ensued outside the court house as the jury deliberated. Activists gathered to protest the possible execution of comfort food. Fans of the musician Meat Loaf arrived in droves with the mistaken belief that the creator of the “Bat Out of Hell” trilogy had been charged with a heinous crime.
“Marvin Aday, known publicly as the artist Meat Loaf, is a gentle soul,” declared a fan holding a sign that read, “Deliver Eddie from his Chains.”
It’s a “Rocky Horror Picture Show” pun.
The jury was out for only two hours. They returned to the jury box, stoic, and when prompted by the grey haired judge the foreman delivered a verdict of ‘guilty’ with the recommendation of the death penalty. The judge informed the jury that the recommendation was redundant, as anyone convicted of murder in the state of Texas was given the death penalty.
The family of the victim reacted with tears and a palpable sense of relief.
“Justice has been served,” said the victim’s brother from Houston. “That meatloaf is going to fry for what it has done. Burn in hell you delicious bastard!”