Jacob Hainline ׀ The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — According to witnesses, Omaha resident Lloyd Baker has been having intensely passionate daydreams that appear to involve his fantasy baseball team.
Baker, 43, has been found by family, friends, and coworkers in sensual reverie on multiple occasions in the past two weeks. During these episodes, the local business executive has been overheard whispering the names of various Major League Baseball players while in a mild state of ecstasy.
Those close to Baker are confident that he is turned on by nothing more than his chances of winning a fantasy baseball league championship. This does not make it any less weird and creepy, they say.
Baker’s administrative assistant Susan James was the first eyewitness. She says she saw Baker having a fantasy baseball fantasy early one morning in his downtown office.
“I saw him staring off into space with this blissful look,” James said. “He was mumbling something about [Toronto Blue Jays outfielder] Jose Bautista and third-base eligibility, whatever that means.”
That’s when Baker’s strange behavior began to make her uncomfortable, James says.
“He started breathing really heavily,” she said. “Then I heard him whisper: ‘43 home runs last year.’ Then he bit his lip and said, ‘Oh, God, yes!’”
Said James: “It was really unpleasant.”
According to his wife Virginia Baker, similar incidents have been happening at their home. Last weekend, she says she found her husband relaxing in a bubble bath. He was breathlessly calling out the name of Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander, along with the player’s career statistics.
“He was murmuring something about Verlander’s 1.19 lifetime WHIP,” she said. “It got him real hot and bothered, and – I can’t believe I’m saying this – his nipples were rock hard.”
Sources have confirmed that Bautista and Verlander are both on the roster of Baker’s fantasy baseball team, “Baker’s Rakers.” Baker selected the players during his league draft on March 20, which roughly coincides with the onset of the steamy daydreams.
Other MLB players, including Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer and Texas Rangers shortstop Elvis Andrus, are known to be members of Baker’s fantasy team – and also objects of his disturbing fantasies.