Jacob Hainline ׀ The Tattler
WASHINGTON — Newly-uncovered documents reveal that the cancerous tumor which currently threatens the life Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is a paid operative of the Central Intelligence Agency.
In documents leaked to The Tattler, high-ranking officials within the U.S. spy agency describe a covert operation to assassinate Chavez that is being carried out by the malignant growth which presently resides somewhere inside the body of the socialist dictator.
The files include a series of classified memos which outline the secret mission, code-named Operation Remission Impossible. According to one particularly revealing communiqué, the mission is intended to “neutralize” Chavez in a manner that provides “maximum deniability” for the agency with “minimum get-caught-itude.”
The top-secret memo goes on to say: “Seriously, dudes! No one will ever suspect that we hired a freakin’ tumor to kill someone with cancer. It’s genius, bros!”
The tumor is thought to be stationed somewhere in the Venezuelan leader’s pelvis. The documents do not include its exact whereabouts, but do indicate that the cancerous lesion was affiliated with the CIA as early as 2008. The deadly mass was apparently recruited by the agency when it was still a pre-malignant nodule and encouraged to develop into a life-threatening neoplasm through a series of cash payments.
“The CIA has transferred upwards of $2 million into off-shore accounts linked to the tumor,” a national security analyst who has examined the documents said. “The tumor gets another $5 million if the cancer metastasizes and spreads throughout the body, and a $10 million payout upon [Chavez’s] demise.”
According to the analyst, whose name is being withheld for no reason in particular, it is common practice for the CIA to hire diseases to take out enemy targets. The method is not always successful, however.
“In the 1940s, the agency gave polio $20,000 to kill Mussolini,” the analyst said. “Turns out polio was a double-agent working for the Axis. Long story short, FDR never walked again.”
Chavez, an outspoken critic of American foreign policy, is a major threat to U.S. influence in Latin America. In 2002, the U.S. supported an unsuccessful coup d’état that nearly ousted Chavez.
“In 2002, we were working with people on the inside,” the analyst said. “But not like this. This is as inside as it gets…because, you see, it’s inside his body…you see what I did there?”
Chavez’s cancer diagnosis was disclosed to the world in 2010 when the head of state traveled to Cuba for medical treatment. Chavez has returned to Cuba on numerous occasions and is known to have undergone three surgeries and two rounds of radiation there.
“Venezuela is the greatest country in the world,” Chavez said before departing to Cuba for a recent surgery. “But, let’s face it, the hospitals here kind of blow.”
The leaked memos have circulated widely, but other news organizations have been reluctant to report on the CIA’s connection to the tumor. Most media outlets will not, as a rule, publicize the identities of active CIA operatives.
The Tattler has come under fire for its decision to report the matter. Jess Levin of Media Matters for America blasted The Tattler for its “reckless disregard for journalistic ethics.”
“The Tattler sucks balls,” said Levin. “They like to make up shit that isn’t true and put quotes in their articles that aren’t real. Those guys can seriously fuck off.”
Meanwhile, some notable figures supported the decision.
The late Robert Novak, who in 2003 exposed the identity of CIA operative Valerie Plame in The Washington Post, defended The Tattler.
“If I hadn’t died in 2009,” Novak said, “I’d have done the same thing. Way to go, team!”