Will Meinen | The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — Sarah Myers sat stunned after hearing Union University professor C. Ben Mitchell testify before Congress that the violation of one’s religious conscience constitutes ‘soul rape.’
“Call me old fashioned,” said the 31-year-old ConAgra employee, “but I define rape as when someone forces intercourse on another person without his or her consent. It seems anymore that anything can be raped.”
Sarah from Omaha is not the only one that is fed up with the contextually inaccurate use of the word rape. Women across the country have informally asked for a moratorium on the use of the word unless it fits the legal definition for which one could be prosecuted.
“Rape is a serious crime and incredibly damaging to the victim,” said one woman. “Systematic rape has been used in war and by despots as a way to humiliate and intimidate. To use the word in a casual manner diminishes the experience for victims.”
“I don’t get it,” said a man who thinks it’s permissible to use the word to describe price gouging. “Why can’t I describe $4.00 gasoline as fuel rape? I mean, I stopped at the grocery store for a New York Strip, and it was priced at $10.99 a pound. I explained to my wife that the butcher was totally trying to rape me and she got upset. Meat rape is a thing.”
Mike Stevens has a tendency to describe unfortunate events in his life as rape. He recently played 9-holes of winter golf during unseasonably warm weather only to be raped on hole seven.
“I hit a great approach shot on the par four leaving a 5-foot birdie put. I read it perfectly but it caught the edge of the cup and lipped out. I totally got raped. Right in the golf-ass I was raped.”
The recession has increased the use of the verb to explain employment and financial misfortune. Most home owners have been raped by the banks, retirees 401 K’s have been raped, the unemployed are being raped every time they turn around, and on the cultural front religious freedom is constantly being raped by the gay/secular agenda.
In a most egregious example of this trend, a mother of three wrote the Tattler and described a scenario in which her husband actually replaced the word pass with the word rape in a sentence.
“We were watching the Season 2 finale of ‘Downtown Abbey’ when he turned to me and said, ‘Rape me the Sun Chips, please.’ I couldn’t believe what I heard. I asked if he had just replaced ‘pass’ with ‘rape’ and he said, ‘I don’t know, did I?’ I suggested that tonight maybe he should just ‘rape’ on the couch. Sleep. See I did what he did…”