Oedipus the King | The Tattler
THEBES, Greece — Happy Valentine’s Day, morons! ‘Isn’t love grand’ one thinks as they peruse online for the perfect gift signaling a bond eternal. Roses, teddy bears, teddy bears with hearts stitched to plush paws, mylar balloons, chocolates, perfume, blah, blah, blah. Mere mortals we are fumbling in the morass with the illusion of self-determination, all while the Gods cackle at our pathetic attempts to outsmart horrible fates.
When I was an infant, my mother jettisoned me to woods, deaf to my cries, hoping to avoid a prophecy of patricide. Unfortunately, in doing she ensured the accuracy of the oracle’s prediction, thereby making the Queen complicit in the death of her King! I left my home haunted by the same prophecy, but with the additional shame of incest and tortured progeny, only to kill a royal traveler who was in fact my father and then entered into a marriage with that man’s wife — my Mother!
Now friends and co-workers at the airport where I shine shoes inquire, ‘Why the long face, Oedipus? Aren’t you a fan of Valentine’s Day? Cheer up already.”
Cheer up! Eat shit, Paula who works at the Duty Free. I’m blind because I put out my own eyes with my wife-mother’s golden brooches. Do you know how devastated you have to be in order to blind yourself? You have to be totally destroyed by a turn of tragic events. In short you have to be a Patricidal Mother-Fucker. Don’t you dare make a “Pulp Fiction” joke, Barry the Delta ticket agent!
Love ruined my life. If I hadn’t met Queen Jocasta I never would have had to complete that awful prophecy. At worst I would have just struggled with the knowledge that I had accidentally killed my Father who I never knew. But Jocasta was so beautiful and kind that I fell for her immediately. It truly was love at first sight. Oh why do so many love related tropes make reference to the sense I no longer have available? Why not ‘Love is absent any foul odor,’ or ‘Love is smooth and velvety to the touch,’ or ‘Love sounds like Grammy award winning Adele.”
Love has taken away my pride, my vision, my family, and left me working at an International airport. Now I spend most days eating rubbery sandwiches and shining the shoes of German economists that insist upon austerity measures in order to maintain Greece’s European Union status. Perhaps our economic woes are the result of some yet unearthed curse.
If it pleases the nation, I volunteer to approach Apollo at Pythia to inquire, “Dear Apollo, who’s Mother must someone unfuck to reinstate our lavish public benefits?”
Pardon the pun, but it seems anymore that the world’s economy is a case of the blind leading the blind.