Scott Ricketts | The Tattler
TAMPA, Florida. — In what has already been a bitter and bizarre Republican presidential campaign, perhaps the strangest moment yet occurred in Tampa, FL at the latest Republican debate when Mitt Romney gave birth to a corporation while on stage.
Debate moderator Brian Williams of “NBC Nightly News” had just asked Newt Gingrich a question about his time as House speaker when Romney, who had appeared to be in pain all evening, let out a groan and fell to the ground while shouting, “It’s coming! It’s coming!”
At first, Gingrich ignored Romney and continued answering the question by invoking the name of Ronald Reagan. However, it soon became clear that even repeatedly mentioning the Gipper’s name would not get the audience’s attention back from Romney’s wailing. Williams finally interrupted Gingrich and asked Romney if he needed medical assistance.
Ron Paul, who is also apparently running for President, moved to help Romney who was now on his back with his legs up in the air. “I asked him what he was doing,” Paul later said. “And he told me he was giving birth, so I looked, and sure enough something was poking out of his vagina. That baby was coming! Being the only doctor around, I decided I would have to deliver the baby right then and there.”
To everyone’s surprise, Romney gave birth to a child, but rather to a corporation. “I couldn’t believe it,” Paul said. “But there it was. I was holding a healthy Certificate of Incorporation in my hands.”
Not everyone was excited by the happy news. Rick Santorum, finally regaining his composure after seeing a vagina for the first time, charged that the newly birthed corporation was not human, and surely was the spawn of Satan. This accusation was met by indignation by John Roberts, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, who was on hand for the debate. In an emotionally gripping moment, he admitted to being the father of the corporation and demanded the corporation be given its legal rights of personhood. Justice Roberts then began handing out cigars and copies the Citizens United decision.
Later in the evening, Romney’s campaign released a statement regarding the night’s events:
Mitt and the Chief Justice are excited to welcome a new Certificate of Incorporation into their lives. They have been looking forward to this moment for some time and have pledged to teach their new corporation about American values such as never paying more than 15 percent in taxes. Additionally they look forward to teaching their corporation that $374,327 is not very much money. Mitt and the Chief Justice will raise the corporation together, but they will not marry because a civil union is really the same as marriage. Mitt, the Chief Justice, and their new corporation are now at University Community Hospital where they are resting comfortably and are eager to get back out on the campaign trail.
The Gingrich campaign was understandably upset by the evening’s events, calling the birth a “stunt” to distract voters in Florida from Romney’s precipitous decline in recent polls. Asked if Gingrich might try to do something similar to get attention before the Nevada primary, a member of his campaign staff who is intimately familiar with Gingrich’s position on marriage stated, “I don’t think so. Our guy prefers to put things in vaginas rather than have things come out of them.”