Jacob Hainline | The Tattler
WASHINGTON, DC. — The Auburn Tigers, or possibly Michigan St., claimed victory in a random college football bowl game against some other team, according to the hazy recollection of the U.S. populace.
The exact final score could not be pinned down, as the nation was flipping back and forth between the game, NCIS reruns, and an episode of Bravo’s Top Chef, completely missing the final six minutes of the fourth quarter in the process.
“They were up by 13 the last I checked,” said Jared Williams, 37, of Tacoma, Wash., a spokesman for the American public. “I didn’t see the end, but I’m pretty sure the Buckeyes held on…at least I think it was the Buckeyes.”
Of the 35 bowl games played this season, the nation could not recall precisely which one it was referring to, but is pretty sure it was a mid-tier match-up, probably between ranked opponents, but maybe not.
“It wasn’t one of the ‘big’ ones, like a Sugar or Fiesta Bowl,” said Kevin O’Grady, 43, of Bangor, Maine. “But it wasn’t one of those really lame ones either, like, say, the New Mexico Bowl. I don’t know: Holiday Bowl? Alamo Bowl, maybe?”
Oklahoma, or perhaps Florida St., built an early lead with a long touchdown pass or possibly some kind of kick return, the nation said. There may have been a critical turnover in the second quarter, which the Longhorns, or a completely different team, used to set up a field goal just before halftime, unless the U.S. population was thinking of a different game.
“I remember the kicker booting a 47-yard kick into a fierce wind,” Williams said. “But I also kind of remember the game being played inside a dome, so maybe I’m wrong about the wind.”
The highlight of the night – or day – was a rushing touchdown by a running back whose last name was either Thomas or Thompson that covered anywhere from 40 to 70 yards, though the nation could not remember if the play was called back because of a holding penalty or not. If the touchdown counted, it might have been Thomas’, or Thompsons,’ second, or possibly third of the game, but the nation isn’t 100-percent sure, so don’t quote it.
“He was really in the zone,” O’Grady said. “If you ask me, he should have been the MVP of the game. And, hey, maybe he was. I honestly have no idea.”
According to the nation, the incoherence of the college football postseason, combined with the frenzy of the holidays, can make it difficult to keep track of the bloated slate of bowl games. And with no playoff system in place, only the BCS Championship has any real significance.
“It’s hard to make sense of all those games,” Williams said. “They just sort of blend together into a confused pile of meaninglessness,”
He added: “Remind me again, why we do it this way?”