Scott Ricketts | The Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. — Leading Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain has dropped out of the primary race in anticipation of yet another bombshell about his personal life. In an appearance on “Fox and Friends,” Cain told Gretchen Carlson that he expects shocking accusations of sexual misconduct to be made against him later this week.
Cain claimed the accuser is none other than former presidential candidate Herman Cain, and that the alleged incidents occurred in many places, but primarily at the Cain family home in Sandy Springs, Georgia.
Cain stated that the accuser is alleging that Cain used his right hand to manually stimulate Herman Cain in the master bathroom of the home, and that Cain has frequently been doing this to him for years. According to Herman Cain, it wasn’t until Cain’s wife unexpectedly entered the bathroom without knocking that Cain’s misconduct abruptly stopped and he quickly ran out of the bathroom.
“Let me be clear,” Cain told Carlson. “I categorically deny these accusations. They have no merit whatsoever and are completely spurious. My zipper was simply stuck, and I was only attempting to get it unstuck in a vigorous manner. You just can’t get the job done unless you go at it a hundred percent. That’s exactly the type of commitment the American people expect from me.”
“And I promise, the winner of next year’s election, whether it’s the admitted adulterer or the crazy doctor who would let a poor person die in the street, is going to have to deal with getting America’s zipper unstuck,” Cain said. “This country’s a mess, and that mess will absolutely need to be cleaned up with Kleenex. A lot of Kleenex.”
Cain also conceded to Carlson that Herman Cain has made similar accusations before when Cain was younger and still lived with his parents. This time, Herman Cain alleges, the misconduct was disrupted when Cain’s mother walked into the bathroom unannounced while Herman Cain was in the shower.
“Let me also be clear,” Cain said. “I feel that, in both instances, my Second Amendment rights as enumerated by the Constitution of the United States were violated. I mean, don’t women know to knock before coming into the bathroom?”
When Carlson pressed Cain about the nature of his relationship with the accuser, Cain finally admitted to knowing Herman Cain for a long time and having a long-standing friendship, especially when they could get some privacy. They first met, Cain said, “probably around puberty.”
“We’ve been so close for so long. That’s what makes these allegations particularly hurtful. I mean, when you allegedly harass women at the National Restaurant Association, you expect the false allegations to fly even after the hush money and Godfather’s Pizza coupons have been paid out. But this is different — it just feels so personal.”
Cain went on to say, “Even if something did happen, and I’m not saying anything did, it was merely a consensual and ongoing relationship between Herman Cain and myself. It’s certainly not something that needs to be examined further by the media and does not affect my ability to lead this country.”
“It definitely won’t keep me from running for President in the future, even though I have absolutely no chance of winning. Look at Ralph Nadar.”
Cain then appeared to nearly break down in tears, finally letting out a plaintive sigh before saying, “And I promise my wife and my supporters that, during future campaigns, I will have a more appropriate relationship with Herman Cain. We won’t visit each other unless I know the house is empty.”
When reached for comment, Cain’s Chief of Staff, Mark Block, now relieved of his campaign duties, said he planned to spend most of time leaning up against his 1978 Trans Am while smoking cigarettes, hoping to “meet some high school chicks.”