Chelsie Hartness | The Omaha Tattler
THEDFORD, Neb. — A new species of frog discovered in late February of this year turns out to be pretty much like every other frog. When first uncovered, the species was prematurely named Rana superiom, and was believed to carry a cure for the common cold, a far more advanced and less invasive version of Botox, and its behavior was thought to be humorous and charming.
“Yes, we’re very disenchanted by the averageness of this frog species,” admitted Steven Johansson, Ph.D., director of the Department of Animal Sciences at Cornell University. “The immunomodulatory effects thought to cure a cold were concluded to just trigger a rash, but nothing severe and usually fading in less than 10 minutes. The neurotoxin thought to trump Botox was found to be less powerful than Orajel and the personalities of this species seem to actually be quite gross.”
The doctor continued, saying that the only reason this frog species has been allowed to stay within the Rana genus is out of pity due to how insecure the frogs have proven themselves to be. In most recent studies, particular subtypes of this new species have been found to suffer from depression, asthma and acne. All financial backing for future research of the Rana superiom has been terminated. The frogs originally obtained for examination have been given to immediate cousins of the lab technicians and one aunt with special needs.
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