Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – British Petroleum (BP) officials, despite several attempts, have not yet been able to plug the leak that is spewing 210,000 gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico every day. In an act of shear desperation company CEO Tony Hayward has enlisted the expertise of Daniel Day Lewis.
“Mr. Lewis played a very successful oil prospector by the name of Daniel Plainview in the film “There Will be Blood”. His character’s ability to extract oil from private lands in California and deal with the public relations side of drilling and its environmental impacts are crucial for our organization.”
Mr. Lewis initially was held on retainer to advise on issues related to media and environmental special interests groups. “Mr. Lewis went through some difficult times playing the character Daniel Plainview,” shared Group Chief Executive John Browne with the Tattler. “Pretending to be a person who has to win over a skeptical community and placate the religious zealot and dynamic preacher named for the modern Sabbath is not unlike the challenges we face today.”
As the crisis worsened CEO Tony Hayward was advised to sound a more conciliatory tone in press conferences. “Mr. Lewis told me how difficult it was for the character Daniel Plainview to repent, at the request of his enemy, to his dereliction of duties as a father. However, doing so was strategic and curried great favor with the superstitious locals. If he can pretend to believe in God than I can pretend to believe in environmentalism and global warming.”
Following the guidance of the Oscar winning actor, Hayward appeared in front of major media outlets in front of the backdrop of the charred oil rig, Deepwater Horizon. His official statement reads as follows:
“I’ve abandoned my oil rig! I’ve abandoned my oil rig! I’ve abandoned my beloved offshore platform! Oh God forgive me for I am a sinner. Wash me in the revitalizing waters of the Gulf that I have polluted with the greasy film of greed……
His act of contrition carried on for quite some time in same spirit as the above transcript. At the end of his confession Hayward stripped naked and waded into the oily sea. He emerged shiny and black, carrying a dead red snapper in his raised hands. He made an offering to the crowd, promising to feed the hungry masses by turning this one fish into many. When that did not work he suggested that everyone acquire a pole and he would teach them how to fish themselves. Given BP’s emphasis on sustainibilty the fishing intiative seemed sound in comparison to an isolated miracle.
Once the media and Gulf residents had been placated by the CEO’s prostration, it was time to move on to the issue of slowing the oil leak from the blown out well. BP engineers have tried numerous approachs, ranging from dropping a giant dome over the gurgling pipe to applying a more dimunitive “top hat” like the one worn by Rich Uncle Pennybags. While these attempts have failed, Daniel Day Lewis appears to have devised an elegant yet simple solution.
Tattler reporters were invited to a briefing explaining the intricacies of the newest operation. The plan was described graphically in a Power Point presentation. The broken pipe driven into the sea floor was represented by what looked like a soda fountain glass. Dipping into the glass was a candy cane striped straw that reached from the sea floor to a tanker on the surface. The tanker was also shaped like a soda fountain glass tipped on it’s side, with a hull and smokestack. The plan was dubbed “Project I Drink Your Milkshake.”
Shareholders in British Petroleum and executives were very pleased with Daniel Day Lewis’s work as a media consultant and engineer, so much so that the company has hired the actor full time. Mr. Lewis is now working with Human Resources to devise selection criteria in accordance with the Americans with Disability Act. Considering his role as an Irish man with Cerebral Palsy in the film ‘My Left Foot,’ we here at the Tattler couldn’t conceive of a more qualified candidate.