Chris Gibson | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – The Supreme Court recently affirmed with a 5-4 vote that corporations have the same rights as individuals and thus a first amendment right to donate money to candidates in elections. Citizen watchdog groups have expressed concern over pernicious consequences the ruling would have on the electoral system.
“Nothing but another victory for big oil, Wall Street banks, insurance companies, and fat cats,” lamented the man on the street.
Cooperate heads were initially dancing in their plush-top floor offices; drinking the blood of hourly wage earners, kissing the soft curves of runaways bathed in ambrosia, and vomiting from their over indulgences in golden toilets. How could having barriers preventing direct campaign contributions to legislators have any undesirable outcomes? It wasn’t long, however, as is often the case with such things, that unintended consequences of the Supreme Court’s actions became apparent.
Exxon-Mobil CEO Rex W. Tillerson was shocked when he learned that Exxon Mobil had been called for jury duty.
“I just wanted to be able to throw a few bucks to a congressman to impede, er, ensure advancements in so-called green technologies are given a deliberate and thorough examination before becoming codified law, and now I have to decide whether a 19-year-old suburban shoplifter should be placed on probation or not? ” Mr. Tillerson protested.
When asked for comment on Exxon Mobil’s policy on jury pay, Tillerson confirmed that he would indeed be required to forfeit to the company the $30/day stipend as a result of his serving.
Chevron CEO David J. O’Reilly was just as startled to learn that Chevron would need to submit a 1040 and pay income tax on its yearly earnings. A visibly displeased Mr. O’Reilly was recently profiled on “60 Minutes” waiting in line at the local San Ramon, California H&R Block with a stack of wrinkled ledger paper jutting out the unclosed lid of a New Balance shoebox.
Before inquiring about Chevron’s W2, which somehow was issued by itself to itself, local tax preparer and former Jiffy Lube employee Eugene Toblowski informed Mr. O’Reilly that he would receive no preferential treatment as a result of his number three spot in the 2009 Fortune 500 list. When Eugene was unable to identify the proper “tax-type form” to “make this income tax problem go away,” O’Reilly lost his temper, enumerated his wife’s poor record keeping habits, and eventually was asked to leave the premises to calm down.
“He could never work for Chevron,” he stated once out of earshot of the building, “I gave that guy the same shadowy direction I give to my accounting team several times a year. Apparently, ‘let’s make sure we follow the rules fellas’ followed by a wink and two fingers of scotch means nothing to these people. He couldn’t even hide my personal assets in a Cayman Island account. Unacceptable.”
When Philip Morris International (as an entity) went out with some old college buddies some months back, he was just looking to blow off some steam. When he woke to the Dave Mathews CD on repeat in a twin bed next to a girl he had never seen before, the confusion did not stop him from texting a witty synopsis of the predicament to friends via TextsFromLastNight.com. Morris International panicked on the drive home after realizing that the recent Supreme Court ruling meant the company potentially could be on the hook for 18 years of child support for sex he is not sure was had, much less enjoyed.
In a surprise ruling of Joseph Heller-like proportions, the Supreme Court struck down the later request by the impregnated woman for a paternity test on the grounds that corporations do not have DNA.
And in what is possibly the most demoralizing addition to the Supreme Court decision, President Obama has issued a presidential signing statement with additional requirements for American corporations. Obama is requiring corporations to attend all family thanksgivings in the foreseeable future because, “Grandma is getting pretty ‘up-there’ in age, and this could be her last year with us.” The President has also stated that corporations will be in bed by 10 p.m. on weeknights and will keep their door open when girls come over to study Algebra. When pressed on the seemingly capricious nature of the latter requirement, Obama cited precedent in Grover Cleveland’s landmark “As long as you’re living under my roof you’ll live by my rules” doctrine.