Will Meinen | The Omaha Tattler
OMAHA, Neb. – In the same vain as the O.C., NYC, and Atlanta Real Housewives reality shows, the Bravo network is planning an Omaha series. Casting agents are looking for upper crust UHB Midwestern gals with big houses and well medicated children. The producers envision a scenario in which women from markets up to 250,000 residents will see the lifestyles of Omaha riche as exotic yet reachable, and markets above the aforementioned threshold as a simulacrum of wealth and therefore equally novel.
Casting agents have spent much of their time at Village Point shopping center, Whole Foods, and the Life Time Fitness on 170th and Center. Five of the women approached and screened have signed releases that allow every mundane word they speak to be videotaped for posterity, and shot into space to warn interstellar travelers of our intentions to dull their senses with machinations on dance squad politics and Versace sunglasses. The cast of ‘Real Housewives of Omaha’ include the following:
Deborah Cain – Married to a First National executive, has 2 children (Ric and Llisa, with 2 ‘Ls’). Deborah volunteers for Open Door Mission, serves on the board at the Child Saving Institute, and wears heels to the grocery store.
Lisa Chang – Only Asian in name, divorced and childless, immigrated from Southern California. Moved to Omaha while still married to a former NFL place kicker who now works as VP of Marketing for Netshops. Lisa can’t believe she is here, but plans to make the best of it by drinking heavily.
Mary Meinen – Heir to the Runza restaurant fortune. Married to a corporate lawyer with a propensity for tall blondes, of which Mary is not. She knows the son of a bitch is cheating but likes her lake house in Okoboji and tennis at the Omaha Country Club. Besides, having a mistress keeps her hubby waiting for the other shoe to drop, and leaves him less likely to challenge monthly credit card bills.
Jan List – Dermatologist, single and happy. She drinks whatever is hot at the time, cosmo, mojito, microbrew, sleeps late on weekends, reads the New Yorker, drinks French press coffee, has a Facebook account, multiple vibrators, and voted the Democratic ticket last election.
Beth Pearson – Graduated from Creighton with a business degree, she and her husband flipped houses during the boom. They are currently looking for day jobs and wondering what to do with their H2.
The Real Housewives of Omaha will debut during February sweeps. The Tattler asked producer Barry Schifler if a program featuring the extravagance and relatively flaccid economic concerns of the well off would resonate during a recession/depression/meltdown. Schifler responded, “Now more than ever people need an outlet to live vicariously the good fortune of others. If you can’t sleep with Angelina Jolie, the next best thing is to watch someone else. Note to self: procure fornication footage of Brangelina body doubles. Now if you will excuse me, I have a car waiting to drive me to a private air strip…I’m going to Thailand!”